Cats against Climate Change!
On the important role our furry feline friends can play in saving the earth and protecting the Obamas' beachfront property from rising oceans...
This morning, I had an important conversation about climate change with my household pets: two dogs, three cats, a parakeet, a lizard, a couple of fish, and a
guinea pig. Nevermind, forget the guinea pig; one of the cats just ate it while they were waiting for our meeting to begin.
I feel like it was a productive discussion. The cats were especially helpful. Whenever the dogs got out of line and started interrupting, the cats took it upon themselves to restore order by hissing at the dogs and scratching them.
I talked to them about the need for us all to make sacrifices to fight
global warming climate change. And by “us all,” I, of course, mean the pets. I am modeling my household after society at large. As the self-appointed leader, I will give emotional and moral support to my children and pets as they make the sacrifices necessary to save our planet and the Obamas’ beachfront property.
“You will have to switch to a plant-based diet,” I told my pets, somberly.
“Fuck that!” shouted the dogs.
This outburst from the dogs evoked a flurry of hissing and scratching from the cats. Within seconds, the dogs had been shamed and silenced.
“I’m already on a plant-based diet,” said Skylar the Parakeet.
“Come out of your cage and tell us more,” said Coco, one of the cats.
I commended Skylar the Parakeet on his commitment to fighting climate change.
“What’s in it for me?” asked Banner, another of the cats. “What do I get out of switching to a plant-based diet.”
“Well, the plants these days are so meatlike, you won’t even realize you’re eating plants instead of actual meat,” I assured him.
“Impossible,” Banner replied.
“Exactly,” I said. “Impossible meat is actually made from plants, but the plants are so animal-like that nobody can tell the difference. In fact, if I put an impossible burger on the grill, it will actually bleed.”
“Plants can bleed?” asked Coco the Cat. “Was the guinea pig that we killed earlier today a plant?”
“No, the guinea pig was an animal. And you killed her.”
“Sorry,” said Coco the Cat. “I did it to fight climate change. Animals shitting and flatulating are a source of greenhouse gasses, right?”
“Well, that’s all that guinea pig did,” said Coco the Cat. “Shit and fart. All day. She probably released her weight in greenhouse gasses every five minutes. Now that I have finally destroyed her, she will stop polluting our atmosphere. The Earth will probably be a degree or two cooler tomorrow as a result. You can thank me by getting another guinea pig for me to hunt and kill. If I take the life of just one guinea pig per day, we’ll have another Ice Age within a year. That’ll stop climate change once and for all.”
“Great job thinking outside the box, Coco!” I said.
“What happens if the climate changes?” asked Cap, the youngest of the cats.
“I’m glad you asked,” I replied. “As it turns out, there are some people who are extremely virtuous, and they have been virtuously signaling about the changing climate and the danger of rising ocean levels for
“Has the ocean risen during that time?” asked Banner the Cat.
“Well, no,” I replied. “But that’s probably only because of all the virtue that these virtuous people have been signaling into the atmosphere. I believe virtue helps capture carbon in the atmosphere, or maybe it helps restore ozone levels. It does something. And that is, no doubt, why we have not had a climate apocalypse yet, because all of these virtuous environmentalist activists have so virtuously signaled so much of their virtue into the sky.”
“Who are these people?” asked Coco the Cat. “Do we know any?”
“Well, we’ve never met him, but our former Premier, Barack Hussein Obama, he has virtuously fought against the changing climate,” I said. “In fact, he and
Michael Michelle have generously purchased millions of dollars worth of beachfront property in Martha’s Vinyard and in Hawaii. Or maybe their billionaire friends bought it for them. Anyway, the point is that the Obamas have virtuously taken upon themselves the risk of the sea-levels rising and swallowing up the beaches. And many of their billionaire friends have done that too. They believe so strongly that the ocean levels will rise, that they have placed their own vacation homes between humanity and the swelling seas.”
“That is very nice of them,” said Banner the Cat. “Coco had a great idea about the guinea pigs, by the way.”
“Thank you,” said Coco the Cat.
“Your welcome,” continued Banner. “If we are going to save the Obamas’ beachfront properties, we’ve got to start killing guinea pigs quickly. If you bring home three guinea pigs from the pet store every day, I believe that each of us cats can kill and eat one apiece. Probably more, if we all work together. That will reduce the greenhouse gasses being released into the atmosphere.”
“Forget the guinea pig, what’s this shit about a plant-based diet?” barked Toby, one of the dogs.
'“Shut up, mouthbreather!” hissed Coco the Cat.
Toby the mouth-breathing dog did as he was told and shut up.
“I think we’ve got a great plan to fight climate change and protect the Obamas’ beachfront property,” said Banner the Cat.
“You’ll also be protecting all the private islands that the other environmentalist elites own,” I added. “Like the late Jeffrey Epstein’s pleasure island where noble philanthropists like Bill Gates and caring politicians like Bill Clinton fought climate change while cavorting with underage girls shipped in by private jet. If we don’t save the climate from changing, the ocean will soon cover up these private islands, and then where will Bill Gates and Bill Clinton be able to discuss climate change with teenage girls, who are our most important allies in the fight to save the planet. Just look at Greta Thunderburg. She was probably one of Gates’ and Clinton’s teenybopper recruits. They probably taught her all about giving blow jobs and saving the environment on that private island. If the climate changes and that island disappears, where will the elites be able to recruit new teenage girls to join the war against global warming?”
“These people sound like hypocrites,” said Maxine the Beagle. “If they think the sea-levels are going to rise, why are they spending so much money buying property next to the ocean?”
“Shut up, climate-change denier,” said Banner the Cat.
“Don’t listen to that mouth-breathing Mongoloid mutt,” said Coco the Cat. “Back to the topic at hand: we’ve agreed that everyone will switch to a plant-based diet, except for us cats, since we will be fighting climate change by killing and eating guinea pigs.”
“That sounds about right,” I agreed.
“Can we eat guinea pigs too?” asked Maxine the Beagle.
“You can shut your carbon-emitting mouth,” hissed Coco. “That’s what you and Toby can do.”
“What did I do?” asked Toby the Dog.
“Shut up, mouthbreather,” said Coco. “You’re polluting the planet every time you open your stinking mouth. Mouthbreather.”
“I can’t help it that I like to breath through my mouth!” protested Toby.
“You’re releasing carbon into the atmosphere,” said Coco. “And that’s causing the climate to change. I propose that we kill and eat Toby to fight climate change.”
“We can’t do that,” I said. “But I like your enthusiasm for fighting climate change.”
“You just buy as many guinea pigs as you can, and we’ll keep killing and eating them,” continued Coco, before adding, “To fight climate change.”
Anyway, I decided to tell you all about my meeting with my pets for a few reasons. First, I wanted to signal my virtue, so that you will know how virtuous I am, as I so virtuously demonstrated by my commitment to fighting climate change. Second, I wanted to encourage you to have this conversation with your own household pets. Cats, as it turns out, are especially eager to help fight climate change. And finally, I wanted to signal my virtue once more and add that if any of the Obamas’ rich friends want to buy me some beachfront property or fly me around in their private jets in order to enhance my climate-change-fighting capability by putting my on the front lines, literally, in the battle against rising ocean levels, then I will gratefully accept.
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In the meantime, here’s a video clip of the late, great comedian Richard Jeni talking about billionaire bleeding-heart liberals who are on the front-lines of the fight against climate change, from his criminally underappreciated special A Big Steaming Pile of Me: