Girl Boss Red Riding Hood

A Disney-esque Reinvention of a Classic Fairy Tale for Politically-Correct Modern Audiences

Once upon a time there was a girl boss named Red Riding Hood. Though she was only ten years old, she had the confidence and competence of several adults at once — I say “several” because there were no adults in all the world who could singlehandedly match Red Riding Hood in even one of the many disciplines that she had perfectly mastered, let alone all of them. It would take an army of prolific adult specialists, each with many decades of training and experience in her respective domain, working together to match the skills possessed by this one precocious girl.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood! (Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash)

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood had the verbal acuity of a Nobel-Prize winning writer, combined with the quick wit and lyrical flow of a rap-battle veteran MC; she had the resourcefulness, resiliency, and tactical proficiency of an entire A-team of Green Berets; she had the martial artistry of Michelle Yeoh, Rhonda Rousey, and Rey Skywalker all rolled into one and then doubled; she had the STEM prowess of all three of NASA’s “hidden figures” combined and then raised to the hundredth power; she could play chess against Gary Kasparov with one hand and against Deep Blue with the other and beat them both in three moves or less; she had the leadership acumen of Amilyn Holdo, if Amilyn Holdo was actually God, possessing perfect power and all knowledge and if Holdo transcended Time and Space; etc., etc., et freaking cetera!

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood was rumored to have sprung directly from the bosom of Hera or from the forearm of Athena. She was such a lady boss that she didn’t need a man for anything, not even for her conception. She was born with 100% female genes derived from only the baddest bitches on Mount Olympus.

One day, Girl Boss Red Riding Hood was driving her motorcycle — even though she was only ten, she already had a driver license and sufficient income from her numerous business deals to pay for her own insurance and gasoline, and she had completely mastered the art of stunt driving, almost like she was Evel Knievel reincarnated.

Red Riding Hood was zipping along on her motorcycle with her girlfriend — even though Red Riding Hood was only ten years old, she had known from the moment of her birth that she was a lesbian, and she was already fighting the patriarchy by embracing her sexual orientation. She and her girlfriend, Hillary, were traveling to Hilary’s grandmother’s house in the nearby town of South Hampton — even though Red Riding Hood and her girlfriend were only ten years old, they had no parental supervision or restrictions of any kind, leaving them free to hop on the expressway and travel anywhere in the country they wanted, whenever they wanted. Because Red Riding Hood and Hillary were both girl bosses!

Hillary’s grandmother was quite ill, because she was an anti-vaxxer, and Red Riding Hood had brought along a syringe loaded with mRNA vaccines to save the elderly woman from her moral failings.

As they zoomed down the road, they were suddenly stopped by a big bad wolf standing in the middle of the highway.

“Good morning, ladies,” said the wolf, bowing politely. “My name is Honest John. Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

“My grandmother is ill,” said Hillary. “She was an anti-vaxxer — well she got the first two COVID shots, but she didn’t get any boosters — and now she is dying, all because she wouldn’t follow The Science.”

At the utterance of the term, “The Science,” the two girls made the sign of the pentagram over their hearts.

“I am sorry to hear that your grandmother has COVID,” said the wolf, with a sad expression.

“She has cancer,” replied Hillary. “But it’s probably COVID-related.”

The wolf nodded. “Many things are, these days. If only she would take the vaccine, she would be healed of her cancer. Does your grandmother live in Shelbyville, by chance?”

“No, she lives in a big farmhouse just outside of South Hampton, with my aunt and uncle,” replied Hillary.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood! (Photo by Marten Bjork on Unsplash)

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood removed her helmet and glared at the wolf. “Why do you want to know all of this?”

The wolf shrank back and hung his head. “I’m sorry. I’m just a poor endangered wolf, protected by the endangered species act. You look like a nice girl, who cares about animals and protecting endangered species, am I right?”

Red Riding Hood scowled and stamped her feet. “It’s not that you’re a wolf; it’s that you’re a male!” She spat immediately after saying “male.”

“But I’m a nice guy,” said the wolf.

“That’s a contradiction in terms,” retorted the Girl Boss. “There’s no such thing as a nice guy. The future is female. Males are so last millennium — unless they’re trans males, in which case they’re alright.”