Girl Boss Red Riding Hood

A Disney-esque Reinvention of a Classic Fairy Tale for Politically-Correct Modern Audiences

Once upon a time there was a girl boss named Red Riding Hood. Though she was only ten years old, she had the confidence and competence of several adults at once — I say “several” because there were no adults in all the world who could singlehandedly match Red Riding Hood in even one of the many disciplines that she had perfectly mastered, let alone all of them. It would literally take an army of prolific adult specialists, each with many decades of training and experience in her respective domain, working together to match the skills possessed by this one precocious girl.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood! (Photo by Lucas Sankey on Unsplash)

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood had the verbal acuity of a Nobel-Prize winning writer, combined with the quick wit and lyrical flow of a rap-battle veteran MC; she had the resourcefulness, resiliency, and tactical proficiency of an entire A-team of Green Berets; she had the martial artistry of Michelle Yeoh, Rhonda Rousey, and Rey Skywalker all rolled into one and then doubled; she had the STEM prowess of all three of NASA’s “hidden figures” combined and then raised to the hundredth power; she could play chess against Gary Kasparov with one hand and against Deep Blue with the other and beat them both in three moves or less; she had the leadership acumen of Amilyn Holdo, if Amilyn Holdo was actually God, possessing perfect power and all knowledge and if Holdo transcended Time and Space; etc., etc., et freaking cetera!

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood was rumored to have sprung directly from the bosom of Hera or from the forearm of Athena. She was such a lady boss that she didn’t need a man for anything, not even for her conception. She was born with 100% female genes derived from only the baddest bitches on Mount Olympus.

One day, Girl Boss Red Riding Hood was driving her motorcycle — even though she was only ten, she already had a driver license and sufficient income from her numerous business deals to pay for her own insurance and gasoline, and she had completely mastered the art of stunt driving, almost like she was Evel Knievel reincarnated.

Red Riding Hood was zipping along on her motorcycle with her girlfriend — even though Red Riding Hood was only ten years old, she had known from the moment of her birth that she was a lesbian, and she was already fighting the patriarchy by embracing her sexual orientation. She and her girlfriend, Hillary, were traveling to Hilary’s grandmother’s house in the nearby town of South Hampton — even though Red Riding Hood and her girlfriend were only ten years old, they had no parental supervision or restrictions of any kind, leaving them free to hop on the expressway and travel anywhere in the country they wanted, whenever they wanted. Because Red Riding Hood and Hillary were both girl bosses!

Hillary’s grandmother was quite ill, because she was an anti-vaxxer, and Red Riding Hood had brought along a syringe loaded with mRNA vaccines to save the elderly woman from her moral failings.

As they zoomed down the road, they were suddenly stopped by a big bad wolf standing in the middle of the highway.

“Good morning, ladies,” said the wolf, bowing politely. “My name is Honest John. Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

“My grandmother is ill,” said Hillary. “She was an anti-vaxxer — well she got the first two COVID shots, but she didn’t get any boosters — and now she is dying, all because she wouldn’t follow The Science.”

At the utterance of the term, “The Science,” the two girls made the sign of the pentagram over their hearts.

“I am sorry to hear that your grandmother has COVID,” said the wolf, with a sad expression.

“She has cancer,” replied Hillary. “But it’s probably COVID-related.”

The wolf nodded. “Many things are, these days. If only she would take the vaccine, she would be healed of her cancer. Does your grandmother live in Shelbyville, by chance?”

“No, she lives in a big farmhouse just outside of South Hampton, with my aunt and uncle,” replied Hillary.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood! (Photo by Marten Bjork on Unsplash)

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood removed her helmet and glared at the wolf. “Why do you want to know all of this?”

The wolf shrank back and hung his head. “I’m sorry. I’m just a poor endangered wolf, protected by the endangered species act. You look like a nice girl, who cares about animals and protecting endangered species, am I right?”

Red Riding Hood scowled and stamped her feet. “It’s not that you’re a wolf; it’s that you’re a male!” She spat immediately after saying “male.”

“But I’m a nice guy,” said the wolf.

“That’s a contradiction in terms,” retorted the Girl Boss. “There’s no such thing as a nice guy. The future is female. Males are so last millennium — unless they’re trans males, in which case they’re alright.”

“Ah, that’s just it!” cried the wolf. “I am actually not a guy at all. I am a female. I was just born in a male body and have suffered terrible gender dysphoria until I realized, just now, that I am actually a woman. And my name is not ‘Honest John,’ it’s ‘Honest JoAnna!’”

“Well, in that case, you’re a good doggie,” said Hillary.

“Could you give a poor girl a ride?” asked the wolf. “I’m going to Shelbyville, but if you could take me to South Hampton where your grandmother lives, that would be a great help. I should be able to get a ride easily from there.”

“Okay,” said Girl Boss Red Riding Hood. “Climb aboard, behind Hillary.”

As the wolf climbed onto the motorcycle, Red Riding Hood withdrew a large helmet from one of the small pockets on her jacket.

“Wow!” exclaimed the wolf. “How did you fit such a large helmet into such a small pocket! Your jacket wasn’t even bulging or anything!”

“It’s called ‘girl power,’” replied Red Riding Hood. “I can do everything better than men. I can even do things better than any of the men depicted in movies, even with all their CGI special effects and stunt doubles and all that! Anything you see a man do in an action movie, I can do it better, without any special effects. And I do all my own stunts. Because I am a boss bitch!”

Red Riding Hood accelerated rapidly. The wolf had barely had time to don the helmet before he had to throw his forelegs around the two girls and hang on for dear life.

“Girl power!” exclaimed Hillary, raising one of her fists.

“Girl power!” exclaimed Girl Boss Red Riding Hood, taking one of her hands off of the handle bars and fist bumping Hillary.

“Okay,” said the wolf, uneasily.

“Say it!” demanded Red Riding Hood, swerving onto the shoulder of the highway and skidding to a stop.

“Say what?” asked the wolf.

“Say, ‘Girl power!’” insisted Red Riding Hood.

“Girl power,” muttered the wolf, halfway raising his right-front paw.

“Get off the bike,” said Red Riding Hood.

“Girl power!” cried the wolf, enthusiastically pumping his paw in the air.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood nodded approvingly. “Okay, you can stay on.”

The trio continued their journey, mostly in silence. As they approached the town of South Hampton, the big bad wolf spotted a large red farmhouse on a hill. He licked his lips with desire as he saw the goats milling innocently about the pasture surrounding the house.

“Is that your grandmother’s home?” asked the wolf, pointing to the farmhouse.

Hillary nodded.

“What nice goats she has!” exclaimed the wolf, who was beginning to drool.

“She is a barbarian,” said Hillary. “So are my aunt and uncle.”

“Why do you say that?” asked the wolf.

“Because they voted for Trump,” said Hillary. “And also because they eat those goats, as well as the chickens they raise.”

“They have chickens?!” cried the wolf, with a hungry gleam in his eyes.

“Barbaric,” said Hillary.

“Don’t worry, though,” said Girl Boss Red Riding Hood, miraculously pulling a very large Tupperware container out of her small jacket pocket. “I brought along some vegan chicken nuggets and some French fries for us to eat.”

“Girl power!” exclaimed Hillary.

“Girl power!” exclaimed Red Riding Hood, putting the large casserole dish back into her tiny pocket, into which the entire thing fit snugly, disappearing without the slightest trace.

“Girl power!” said the wolf, in awe.

Soon, Girl Boss Red Riding Hood was parking the motorcycle in the driveway of the farmhouse, and the trio disembarked.

“No eating the goats, or the chickens,” said Red Riding Hood, glaring menacingly at the wolf. “Or I round-house kick you in the head, like Michelle Yeoh if her legs were nuclear-powered jackhammers!”

The wolf gulped and nodded. “You got it, girl boss!”

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood! (Photo by Sincerely Media on Unsplash)

“Girl power!” exclaimed Red Riding Hood, raising her fist.

“Girl power!” agreed Hillary, raising her fist. The two lesbians bumped their fists.

“Girl power!” shouted the wolf, enthusiastically.

“Now, let’s go save this grandmother of yours from her unacceptable right-wing views,” said Red Riding Hood.

“Girl power to the rescue!” cried Hillary.

“Girl power!” yelled Red Riding Hood.

“Girl power!” howled the wolf, pumping both his forelegs in the air.

The trio marched to the front door and rang the bell. A moment later, the door creaked open, and a pudgy middle-aged man in overalls and a straw hat greeted them with a broad, bucktoothed grin. “Howdy, y’all!” he exclaimed, taking off his hat and holding it to his chest as he bowed deferentially. He then stood back and motioned for them to come inside.

“Hello, Uncle Tom,” said Hillary.

“Hello, Tommy,” said Girl Boss Red Riding Hood. “And this is a wolf we met along the way. She’s named ‘Honest JoAnna.’”

“Pleased to meet you, Honest JoAnna,” said Tom, extending his hand.

The big bad wolf took Tom’s hand in both his paws and exclaimed, in an exaggeratedly high-pitched and feminine voice, “I do declare, Uncle Tom, it is so nice to make your acquaintance!”

Meanwhile, Hillary’s aunt called out from the kitchen, “Hi girls, thanks for coming to visit Mee-Maw!”

“Do you need any help in the kitchen?” asked the wolf. “Any help preparing the goat or chicken you might be planning to cook?”

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood grabbed the wolf by the shoulders and spun him around. “I already told you about that,” said Red Riding Hood. “We are eating vegan chicken nuggets and french fries. And you are not to even touch, or to even think about touching, any of the goats or chickens, do I make myself clear?”

The wolf nodded and smiled nervously. “Yes ma’am,” he said. “Perfectly clear.”

“Where is Mee-Maw?” asked Hillary.

“She’s back in her room,” replied her Uncle Tom. “You can go on back. She’s excited to see you.”

A short while later, the two ten-year-old lesbians and the wolf were standing over the grandmother’s bed.

“Hi, Mee-Maw!” exclaimed Hillary, stooping down and kissing her grandmother lightly on the forehead.

“Hi Sue Ellen,” said Girl Boss Red Riding Hood, who referred to everyone by their first name, rather than by their title, no matter their age.

“Hello, Girl Boss Red Riding Hood,” mumbled the grandmother, smiling weakly.

“Hello, grandma,” said the wolf, placing his paw atop the old woman’s hand.

“My, what big hands you have!” said the grandma, trying to focus her glassy eyes on the wolf.

“All the better to —” the wolf paused and looked over at Red Riding Hood, who was regarding him with suspicion. The wolf smiled meekly, before continuing, “All the better to eat vegan chicken nuggets with!”

“Splendid,” said the old woman. “Red Riding Hood makes the best vegan food. She is a ten-star Michelin chef! Whenever she’s around, I don’t even miss meat at all!”

“Are you ready to make your confession, Sue Ellen?” asked Red Riding Hood. “Are you ready to receive the sacrament of reconciliation and obtain the Holy Vaccine!”

The grandma mustered all her remaining strength and squeezed one of Red Riding Hood’s hands. The old lady looked admiringly and gratefully at the young girl boss and said, “Yes, I am. And thank you for believing in me and not giving up on me.”

The old woman paused and looked over at Hillary and then at the wolf, before continuing, “I could not ask for a better life partner for my granddaughter than Girl Boss Red Riding Hood! Hillary, you have the best girl-boss girlfriend anyone could ever hope for!”

Hillary smiled, and her eyes grew cloudy with tears. She and Red Riding Hood hugged each other. “Thank you, Mee-Maw,” said Hillary. “Red Riding Hood is the best! And she’s even an ordained minister for the Church of Marxcissism!”

The Marxcissists

“Forgive me, mother, for I have sinned,” said the old woman to Red Riding Hood. “It has been many years since my last confession, which was probably back in the late 60s when I attended a Betty Freidan lecture — back before I lost my way and got into a traditional marriage with a man. Oh, your Grandpa was a good person, for a man, but he was a man. I’m so happy for you, Hillary! You’re living the life I would choose for myself, if I could go back in time and do it all over again. After college, I would have stayed in California, instead of coming back home to the farm.”

Hillary held her grandmother’s hand and smiled encouragingly.

“O my goddess,” murmured the old woman, lifting her eyes heavenward, “I am heartily sorry for having offended thee, and I detest all my beliefs and actions that supported the patriarchy, because of thy just punishments, but most of all because they offend thee, my goddess, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of thy grace to support the patriarchy no more and to avoid even the near occasion of unacceptable right-wing views. Amen.”

“Amen!” agreed the two girls and the wolf, in unison.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood made a sign of the pentagram over the old woman and announced, “On behalf of the Church of Marxcissism, I accept your confession. For penance, you should pray an ‘Our Mother’ and join Hillary and I in a moment of silence as we send positive thoughts and energy to the brave Ukrainian people.”

The old woman bowed her head and said, “Our Mother, who art in Academia, hallowed be thy name! Thy Matriarchy come, thy bitch-boss Will be done, throughout the earth, as it is in Davos! Give us this day our daily boosters, and forgive us our whiteness, as we condemn those who are white supremacist towards us! And lead us not unto toxic masculinity, but deliver us from the Patriarchy! For thine is The Matriarchy, and the Girl Power, and the Butch-ness, forever and ever! Amen!”

A chorus of '“Amens” erupted from the two girls, the wolf, and from Hillary’s Aunt, who had entered the room and begun quietly weeping while the grandmother was praying.

“Girl Boss Red Riding Hood?” whimpered the aunt. “Can you take my confession, too?”

“Yes, my daughter,” replied Red Riding Hood.

“Forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned,” stammered the aunt. She broke off and began sobbing. Hillary hugged her. After crying uncontrollably for a full minute, the aunt finally composed herself and continued. “I have never made a confession. I have always been mentally and emotionally enslaved by the white supremacist patriarchy.”

The two girls, the wolf, and the grandmother all made the signs of the pentagram over their chests.

The aunt continued, “But I renounce all of that now. I will never be in the kitchen again, as long as I live! From now on, we either eat take-out, or your Uncle Tom will be the one doing ALL the cooking — unless I’m at a football tailgate party or some such traditionally male space, in which case I will happily grill vegan burgers and vegan hotdogs, instead of letting the stupid men operate the grill!”

The girls and the grandmother cheered.

“I can help your Uncle Tom in the kitchen,” said the wolf, as he thought about how good the goats or the chickens would smell coming out of the oven.

Red Riding Hood seized the wolf and applied a joint lock to his foreleg. “Remember what I said,” the Girl Boss hissed.

The wolf nodded and apologized.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood let go of the wolf, reached into her jacket pocket, and pulled out two syringes. “May this sacred mRNA nectar of our Mother, the goddess, strengthen and keep you in the one true faith. Amen!”

“Amen!” agreed Hillary and her aunt and grandmother.

Red Riding Hood, still holding the two syringes in her left hand, thrust her right hand into her jacket pocket and pulled out two cotton balls and a bottle of rubbing alcohol. With the fingers of her right hand, she deftly uncapped the bottle of alcohol, dipped both cotton balls inside, screwed the cap back onto the bottle, and returned it to her jacket pocket, where it disappeared without the slightest trace. She then took the two alcohol-infused cotton balls and rubbed them on the upper arms of both the grandmother and the aunt.

“In the name of the Mother, the Daughter, and the spirit of Marxcissism!” declared Red Riding Hood. Everyone else made the sign of the pentagram over their hearts and said, “Amen.” Red Riding Hood then plunged the needle into the old woman’s arm.

“The goddess be praised!” shouted the grandma, with sudden vim and vigor. “I am healed! The Science and The Mother have healed me!”

“The goddess be praised!” repeated the others.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood then stuck the other needle into the aunt’s arm. No sooner did she withdraw the syringe than the aunt began shaking and stammering.

“She’s caught up in the spirit of girl-boss-ness!” declared Red Riding Hood. “The goddess be praised!”

“The goddess be praised!” replied the others.

Meanwhile, the old woman threw off her bedsheets and leaped from the bed. “I am healed of my cancer!” she yelled.

The aunt embraced the old woman. “I am also healed, from the cancer of white male supremacy! The future is female!”

“Amen!” shouted Girl Boss Red Riding Hood. “The future is female!”

“The future is female!” chanted the others, in unison.

“The future is female!” agreed Hillary’s Uncle Tom. He entered the room cautiously, removed his hat, and genuflected slightly towards Girl Boss Red Riding Hood.

“Uncle Tom, you have seen the light!” exclaimed Hillary.

Tom smiled apologetically and said, “Yes, you were right. I was wrong. Your aunt was wrong. Your parents were wrong. All the adults in your life were wrong. But you and all your teenage girl-boss friends were right, and I am so glad you didn’t listen to any of us, but that you instead did your own thing, embraced your identity as a strong girl boss, and decided to live your authentic life as a lesbian, a feminist, a climate change activist, and a Marxcissist.”

Suddenly, the wolf began howling and beating his breast. Tears gushed from his eyes. “If I had sackcloth and ashes, I would put them on,” he wailed. “All this time, I was lying to you about being transgender. I was going to eat your grandmother, eat Hillary and Girl Boss, and then eat all the chickens and goats.”

“You were going to try to,” said Girl Boss Red Riding Hood. “And I would have body-slammed you and round-house kicked your head clean off your shoulders.”

“Yes, yes, of course you were,” agreed the wolf, in between sobs. “But your feminine mystique and your commitment to social justice have delivered me from my patriarchal and white supremacist and climate-change-denying demons! I now accept that I am transgender! I am really JoAnna, not John! I will take myself to the vet first thing Monday morning and ask to be both spayed and neutered, just to make sure I cover all my bases, and then I will surrender myself to the Human Society and see if I can be adopted by a nice vegan family who can feed me plant-based dog food and make sure I am vaccinated against the next pandemic!”

“Hillary and I will adopt you,” said Girl Boss Red Riding Hood. “We will make a great family, the three of us!”

“Yes we will,” agreed Hillary. The two lesbians and the big, formerly-bad wolf all embraced each other joyfully.

“You saved all of our souls and even our very lives,” said Uncle Tom. “How can we ever repay you?”

“You can’t,” replied Red Riding Hood. “But it’s all in a day’s work for . . . Girl Boss Red Riding Hood!”

“Hooray for the girl boss!” cheered the aunt and grandmother.

“Hooray for the girl boss!” shouted Uncle Tom.

“Hooray for the girl boss, the love of my life!” exclaimed Hillary.

“Hooray for the girl boss and vegan chef extraordinaire!” yelled the wolf.

Girl Boss Red Riding Hood graciously bowed. She then smiled and said, “Now let’s go to the dining room and eat some of this incredible plant-based chicken nuggets and French fries I brought, which are, incredibly, still fresh and piping hot, even though I cooked them over two hours ago!”

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If you liked “Girl Boss Red Riding Hood,” check out my other posts, such as How the Woke Debate and Identity Politics for White People!

Or listen to Girl Boss Red Riding Hood as read by the author:

A Reading of Girl Boss Red Riding Hood (Audio)

1. If any producers from Disney are interested in making a film adaptation of Girl Boss Red Riding Hood, please DM me on Twatter @DanielDHumor