Our Father Who Art The Science!
A Profession of Faith in Dr. Anthony Fauci and the Glorious Self-Revelation of The Science!
This morning, I opened my front door and came face-to-face with two missionaries from The Church of the Current Thing. They told me that they had a message of good news from Our Father Who Art The Science that they wanted to share with me.
I said that I really had a lot going on today and did not have time to listen to their message, but that if they had a pamphlet to give me, I would either read it or use it to line the bottom of my parakeet’s cage. The two men then gave me a small booklet entitled, “The Book of Fauci.” After pronouncing a blessing of fact-checked and peer-reviewed Scientism over my home, the missionaries left.
I thumbed through The Book of Fauci. It appeared to tell the story of a doctor named Fauci who was sent from The Science to lead the world into a glorious future of booster shots and genetic engineering. When a pandemic arose in the East, Fauci saved the world by teaching them The Science.
Fauci was opposed by all the forces of evil: conspiracy theorists, anti-vaxxers, climate-change deniers, and a sinister figure named Trump, who was known as “The Anti-Science.” Trump and his followers attacked Fauci and had him arrested. Fauci then stood trial for three days, and it appeared that the forces of Anti-Science would obtain a conviction; but on the third day, the laboratories of the heavens opened and released a new pandemic, even more deadly than the first. Only those people whose names were written in Fauci’s book of The Science were saved.
It was a fascinating read. Here are some highlights from The Book of Fauci below…
The Origin Story of The Science (from The Book of Fauci, Chapter One)
In the beginning was The Science, and The Science was with Dr. Anthony Fauci, and The Science was Fauci!
And Fauci was in the beginning with The Science.
All science and medicine were made by Fauci; and without Fauci was not anything made that was scientific or medicinal.
In Fauci was The Science; and The Science was the light of humankind.
Like a light, The Science shineth in the darkness of misinformation; and the darkness comprehendeth not The Science.
There was a woman sent from The Science, whose name was Dr. Deborah Birx.
Dr. Birx came for a witness, to bear witness of The Science, that all humans in The Science might believe.
Dr. Birx was not The Science, but was sent to bear witness of The Science.
Darth Anthony Fauci was the True Science, which educateth every person that cometh into the world.
And Fauci was in the world, and the world was made scientific by him. The wise of the world, those who standeth on the right side of history, they knew him, but the basket of deplorables which are ignorant of The Science did not know him.
Fauci came unto his own, and his own received him, but the scientifically illiterate, the conspiracy theorists, the anti-vaxxers, the climate-change deniers, and the transphobic misogynists and racists, they did not receive him, for they didst prefer their abominable ignorance to The Science.
But as many as received Fauci, to them gave he power to become the children of The Science, even to them that believe on his name and follow his infallible decrees and mandates;
Those who became enlightened, not of trial and error, nor of double-blind studies with replicable results, nor of the dictates of Logic or Evidence, but of The Science.
And The Science was made flesh and dwelt among us from on high, and we beheld his glorious Scientism, the glory as of the only begotten of The Science, full of fact checks and peer-reviewed information.
Deborah Birx bare witness of Fauci, and cried, saying, “This is The Science of whom I spake! The science that cometh after me is preferred before me; for The Science was before me!”
And of the fulness of Scientism have we all received, and have all been placed on the right side of history.
The pandemic cometh by Nature, but masks and vaccines came by Dr. Anthony Fauci.
No human hath seen Science at any time; the only begotten son of Science, which is in the bosom of Science, and which hath been called “The Science,” he hath declared him.
How to Discern Correct Information from Misinformation (From The Book of Fauci, Chapter Five)
And the disciples of The Science asked him, “Darth Fauci, wilt thou tell us how to discern correct science from misinformation?”
And The Science did look with favor upon them, for they were as unvaccinated sheep with an anti-vaxxer shepherd, and Fauci spake unto them saying, “Behold, I bring you the current thing, which shall always be the Truth and in accordance with The Science. Whenever thou shalt see a synchronicity of phrasing across mainstream media, academia, Big Tech, and public officials, that sameness of speech and identical framing of the issues shall surely point thee to the current thing, and the current thing shalt surely point thee to The Science! Verily, I am The Science, and whosoever abideth in the current thing abideth in me and in The Science.”
How to Pray in Accordance with the Will of The Science (From The Book of Fauci, Chapter Six)
And another of Darth Fauci’s disciples didst say unto him, “Lord Fauci, please teach us how to pray in accordance with the will of The Science!”
And Fauci taught them, saying, “Ye shall pray unto The Science in this wise:
Our Father, which art The Science,
Hallowed be thy Name,
Thy mandates come, thy masks be worn,
In public as they are in the lab,
Give us this day our current thing,
And cancel us before we spread misinformation,
As we cancel those who spread misinformation in our presence,
And lead us not unto skepticism,
But deliver us from anti-vaxxer and climate-change-denier misinformation,
For thine is The Science, and the Government, and the ESG Economy,
Both now and forever, Amen!”
An Apocalyptic Prophecy about The Science (from The Book of Fauci, Chapter Thirteen)
And in those days a pandemic came from the East, and I stood upon the steps of a laboratory, and I saw a man rise up out of a laboratory, having seven syringes and ten masks, and upon his masks the slogans of The Science.
And the man that I saw was like unto a doctor, and he worse scrubs and a lab coat, and he stood upon a platform and exercised power and great authority.
But behold, a mob of deplorables who preferred conspiracy theories to peer-reviewed academic journals blasphemed against The Science and sought to topple him from his platform.
And the man of Science didst fall and appeareth unto them to be injured. But then another pandemic did emerge. And the people were sore afraid. And there were wars and rumors of wars. And the man of Science was again placed upon his platform, and he did great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from the heavens, and he made monkeypox boils appear on the skin of all his critics, and he causeth all people to receive a vaccine in their right arm or in their buttocks; and he gaveth a mandate, that no person might buy or sell, save that he had the mark of the vaccine. And behold, the man doth call himself, The Science, and he createth a New World Order.
My Thoughts after Reading The Book of Fauci
After reading The Book of Fauci, I have decided to save my soul and convert to The Science. Accordingly, I am completely changing my life and the format of this Substack. I hereby dedicate myself and my writing to preaching the good news of Dr. Fauci.
I am done asking questions, relying on logic or evidence, or listening to anyone who does not have both a blue checkmark and her preferred pronouns in her Twitter bio. If Twitter disapproves of what a man says, I will not waste any time listening to him.
In fact, we need our largest tech companies to work in partnership with the government to censor misinformation, so that we can save democracy. Sorry, but you cannot serve both Freedom and Democracy. Choose ye this day whom you will serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve Democracy! And if you serve Freedom, then you are an enemy of Democracy, and you deserve immediate cancelation!
Every day, I will work to advance the Kingdom of The Science. I will make a pilgrimage to the Temple of Virology in Wuhan, China, at least once in my lifetime. Five times a day, I will bow towards Wuhan and pray the prayer taught to us by The Science. I will wear a mask at all times, even when I am outdoors or by myself in my own car or home. I will get vaccinated and boosted, so that I bear the mark of The Science on my body. I will vote Blue no matter who. I will support the current thing. I will be a good person, stand on the right side of history, and cancel the enemies of The Science.
Based on what I have learned about The Science, I believe we are living in the last days and that the prophecies of a New World Order and a One-World Government under Our Father Who Art The Science shall soon be fulfilled. I hope and pray that you will heed the dictates of The Science and that all of our names will be written in Fauci’s Book of Science when the coming penultimate pandemic strikes the unvaxxed masses.
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