The Moral Philosophy Salesman

A Lighthearted Vignette in which Mrs. Bovine Learns about Utilitarianism and Effective Altruism from the Brilliant and Bold Moral Philosopher, Sam Bankster-Fraud

A Liberated Western Woman Using Her Utilitarian Calculus that She Bought from a Moral Philosophy Salesman to Decide Whether to Feed Her Child

Mrs. Bovine shuffled quickly towards the front door of her cavernous suburban home. The doorbell had rung twice a half-minute earlier. It rang once more and then went silent again. She was afraid that whoever it was would tire of waiting and leave before she could answer them.

Although Mrs. Bovine was in her mid-fifties, she actively resisted the aging process with expensive surgeries, experimental treatments, and an array of cosmetic dyes and creams. She looked like a middle-aged Barbie Doll, with lightly tanned, rubbery skin, overlaid with a rainbow of pastel makeup. Through the stained-glass of her front door, she could see a silhouette standing patiently. She breathed a sigh of relief. She paused to spruce up her hair and adjust her blouse to showcase just the right amount of cleavage.

She threw open the door without bothering to look through the peephole or ask who it was. A young man in cargo shorts and a t-shirt was standing on her porch. Although he was dressed casually, he gave off an aura of businesslike professionalism. He held an official-looking clipboard in his hands and carried a high-end leather briefcase with the strap slung diagonally across his upper body.

The young man smiled politely and extended his hand. “Hi, Mrs. Bovine, I’m Sam Bankster-Fraud, professional philosopher and sales associate with Global Symposium, LLC. Your neighbor across the street, Mrs. Wankerman, who is one of our more than ten billion satisfied Global Symposium customers worldwide, said that you might be interested in one of our more unapologetically stylish moral philosophies.”

“Mrs. Wankerman said that?”

Sam Bankster-Fraud nodded.

“Awww, that’s awful nice of her!” Mrs. Bovine reached out and allowed Sam to shake her hand. “Yeah, her and myself talk about things sometimes. She’s really smart.”

“Indeed she is,” agreed Sam. “She is presently subscribed to one of our most popular models: Utilitarianism! Would you like to learn more about Utilitarianism?”