The Moral Philosophy Salesman
The Moral Philosophy Salesman
A Lighthearted Vignette in which Mrs. Bovine Learns about Utilitarianism and Effective Altruism from the Brilliant and Bold Moral Philosopher, Sam Bankster-Fraud
Mrs. Bovine shuffled quickly towards the front door of her cavernous suburban home. The doorbell had rung twice a half-minute earlier. It rang once more and then went silent again. She was afraid that whoever it was would tire of waiting and leave before she could answer them.
Although Mrs. Bovine was in her mid-fifties, she actively resisted the aging process with expensive surgeries, experimental treatments, and an array of cosmetic dyes and creams. She looked like a middle-aged Barbie Doll, with lightly tanned, rubbery skin, overlaid with a rainbow of pastel makeup. Through the stained-glass of her front door, she could see a silhouette standing patiently. She breathed a sigh of relief. She paused to spruce up her hair and adjust her blouse to showcase just the right amount of cleavage.
She threw open the door without bothering to look through the peephole or ask who it was. A young man in cargo shorts and a t-shirt was standing on her porch. Although he was dressed casually, he gave off an aura of businesslike professionalism. He held an official-looking clipboard in his hands and carried a high-end leather briefcase with the strap slung diagonally across his upper body.
The young man smiled politely and extended his hand. “Hi, Mrs. Bovine, I’m Sam Bankster-Fraud, professional philosopher and sales associate with Global Symposium, LLC. Your neighbor across the street, Mrs. Wankerman, who is one of our more than ten billion satisfied Global Symposium customers worldwide, said that you might be interested in one of our more unapologetically stylish moral philosophies.”
“Mrs. Wankerman said that?”
Sam Bankster-Fraud nodded.
“Awww, that’s awful nice of her!” Mrs. Bovine reached out and allowed Sam to shake her hand. “Yeah, her and myself talk about things sometimes. She’s really smart.”
“Indeed she is,” agreed Sam. “She is presently subscribed to one of our most popular models: Utilitarianism! Would you like to learn more about Utilitarianism?”
“I sure would!” Mrs. Bovine shouted. She was so flattered that her smart and sophisticated neighbor thought so highly of her, and she looked forward to many interesting discussions with her about the in’s and out’s of their shared interest in such an important-sounding philosophy. She beckoned the young man to enter. “Come on in! You want any tea or coffee? I got an exceptional blend of freshly imported Oolong Tea from the Fujian province of China. It is exquisite and delicate. I also have some Yirgacheffe dark-roast Ethiopian coffee, which is bold and brilliant on the palate.”
“The coffee sounds great!” chirped Sam.
“I hope you’re not too sensitive to caffeine,” she said. She closed the door behind him and led him towards the kitchen. “It’s got a lot of caffeine. As for myself, I can only have that type of coffee in the mornings. Otherwise I get heart palpitations. That’s why I drink tea after ten o’clock or so.”
“That’s wise,” said Sam. “Although, I am practically immune to caffeine. I usually supplement my morning coffee with crushed Adderall and Ridalin to give my brain an extra performance boost.”
“Wow! You must be very productive!” exclaimed Mrs. Bovine.
“I am! I create billions of dollars in value with the important work I am doing in the field of Advanced Modern-Monetary Altruism.”
“That sounds stunning and groundbreaking,” she said. “You want steamed milk in yours?”
“Sure! It’ll help mask the flavor of my Adderrall-Ridalin mix.” Sam pulled a small vial from his pocket, opened it, and dumped a half-dozen pills into his hand. “You got a plate and a spoon I could use?”
Mrs. Bovine gave him a plate and spoon. While the espresso machine whirred and gushed dark, frothy liquid into a pair of small teacups, Sam carefully crushed the pills into a fine powder on the plate.
“Lord Almighty, that would probably give me a heart attack,” she said, with a nervous laugh.
Sam looked up at her and smiled reassuringly. “I gotta keep my mind razor-sharp. My customers depend on my insights and analysis to help them stay on the cutting edge of financial theory and moral philosophy!”
“Thank God for bright young people like you,” she said. “You oughta meet my daughter, Tabitha. She’s taking honors classes in the humanities at St. Edmund Phelps College. Her and myself have many rich conversations about important topics. Myself, I learn a lot from her. She’s wicked smart. Sorry to pry, but you got a girlfriend?”
Sam chuckled and smiled bashfully. “I would love to make the acquaintance of your daughter. As for girlfriends, I have a polyamorous network of friendships with strong and independent young women, and expanding that network of romantic lovemaking and love-exchanging inevitably yields positive utility for the overall happiness of network members.” He paused, smiled slyly, and winked, as he added, “Perhaps we could increase the pleasure-producing utility of our polyamorous romantic network by adding an attractive and intelligent more mature woman, such as yourself!”
“Awww, that sounds nice,” said Mrs. Bovine, batting her eyes and pouting her lips. She had recently gotten lip injections and was very proud of the result. “Myself and Mrs. Wankerman were just talking about polyamory the other day. That is such an important movement, tearing down the patriarchal norms that are soooo last millennium!”
“Are you married?”
“Yes, but Mr. Bovine and myself have a very unconventional marriage. We trust each other too much to be limited by archaic feelings of possessiveness and jealousy. Mr. Bovine and myself want to maximize each other’s happiness. That’s what true love is really all about.”
“Excellent!” exclaimed Sam. “It sounds like Utilitarianism would be a great fit for you.”
Mrs. Bovine beamed with self-satisfaction.
Sam added the crushed pills to his coffee and took a long gulp. “You sure know how to make a great cup of coffee!”
“Glad you like it!”
Sam leaned back in his chair and picked up his clipboard. “In a fashionable, forward-thinking neighborhood like this, most people subscribe to one of our Utilitarian philosophies, usually with a spritz of New-Age Positive Psychology and topped with what we call ‘The Promise,’ which is a more advanced version of ‘The Secret.’”
“Ooooh!” Mrs. Bovine moaned delightedly. “I like the sound of that.”
“That’s the version that Mrs. Wankerman subscribes to, and — I don’t think she would mind me telling you — she described it as ‘life-changing and life-affirming.’”
“Yes, sweetie, those are my values as well! Myself and Mrs. Wankerman, we both love to change and affirm Life, all the time. 24-7!”
“Yeah, I love talking to people from this neighborhood. Everyone is so receptive to bold and forward-thinking philosophies. Unlike, say, in the Cuello Azul community down the road, where they have some strange desire to learn about Socratic Skepticism.” Sam pantomimed a gagging reflex.
“Ugh!” groaned Mrs. Bovine. “What nonsense!” She secretly hoped he would provide some additional details about Socratic Skepticism; she had no idea what he meant by it.
Sensing her uncertainty, Sam continued, “Yeah, that’s a popular ideology among climate-change deniers and transphobes, just to give you an idea.”
Mrs. Bovine turned up her nose in disgust. “How backwards!”
Sam nodded. “Who needs a philosophy that is all questions and almost no answers. Much better and more productive and more groundbreaking to do the opposite: embrace a philosophy with lots of bold and brave answers and very few questions. Questions are for the faint of heart.” He paused for effect, before adding, “But answers are for the bold and brave.”
“I’m glad to talk to someone who sees things that way,” Mrs. Bovine said. “I want a philosophy that lets me enjoy all that Life has to offer, without any guilt or regret.”
“Then you will love our blend of Utilitarianism called ‘Advanced Modern-Monetary Altruism.’ We created this program using the best elements of Utilitarian Ethics, Pragmatism, Neo-Keyneseyan Economics, New Age Psychology, and Effective Altruism
.”“How does it work?”
Sam pulled out a gadget that looked like a pocket-sized calculator. “This is the latest model of our Utilitarian Calculus. We also have an app in the Apple Store with a Utilitarian Calculus, but having a stand-alone calculus is preferable. You carry this device everywhere, and any moral decision you have to make, you just punch in the questions you have, and it gives you the answers you want, along with some great rationalizations to use against anyone who wants to criticize your actions.”
“That would be really handy to have!”
“Your Utilitarian Calculus will also helpfully advise you about a charitable-giving plan. It allows you to identify the most fashionable causes and ways to donate to and support those causes using methods that will advance your own social standing. Right now, for example, I contribute to The Costanza Humanitarian Fund. Out of every dollar that I give, ninety cents goes directly to fund-raising galas that are the social events of every season. I get my name listed on programs and plaques. I get a tax write-off. And after administrative costs, one-half of a penny out of every dollar goes to humanitarian relief. For example, this past year, The Costanza Humanitarian Fund donated $35,000 to The Greta Thunderbirkenstock Foundation. With that $35,000, Greta was able to pay the annual salaries of every crew member on her sailboat, thereby allowing her to attend conferences on Climate Change all around the world!”
“Wow!” cried Mrs. Bovine. “Sign me up right away!”
“You’re gonna love it!” promised Sam.
Suddenly, the doorbell began ringing again. “Oh my, I forgot my housekeeper was coming today. Let me get that.” Mrs. Bovine stood up, making sure to lean over as she did so and give her young guest a full view of her cleavage.
Sam smiled. “While you get the door, I will get the forms pulled up on my laptop. You will love Advanced Modern-Monetary Altruism.”
Mrs. Bovine started towards the door. She halted and turned around. “Sam, any chance you’d be available to come back by later this afternoon? I could get my daughter, Madison, to come over with some of her friends, so you could tell them about Advanced Modern Monetary Altruism too! Madison’s friends and herself are very committed Utilitarians, similar to myself.”
“That would be great!” said Sam.
Meanwhile, the elderly, shriveled, hunchbacked Mexican woman on the porch pressed the doorbell twice more with her crooked, bony finger.
“Those people don’t know how to wait!” hissed Mrs. Bovine. “She lives over somewhere in Cuello Azul. I guess she probably subscribes to Socratic Skepticism or something even worse.”
Sam Bankster-Fraud chuckled. “Or she doesn’t even know what moral philosophy means — like you and Mrs. Wankerman do. She’s probably some kind of devout Catholic or something, burning candles to Our Lady of Guadalupe or whatever.”
Sam and Mrs. Bovine smiled and laughed, as the doorbell rang again.
I'm sharing this with literally everyone I know. Riotously funny.
This is a panic.