COVID Vaccines Will Save Millions of People from Dying of Old Age...

And Other Fascinating Facts from The United States of Enron's Public Health Officials

COVID Vaccines Will Save Millions of People from Dying of Old Age!

All those smart people who chose to “follow The Science,” i.e., to follow Dr. Anthony Fauci, since Fauci and Science are one and the same, must be feeling vindicated right now. This past week, studies released by The National Anthony Fauci Foundation (formerly The National Science Foundation) showed that COVID vaccines will have prevented billions of deaths from old age throughout the world by 2030.

Darth Schwab, founder and chairman of The World Economic Forum (WEF), shared the studies’ results in a speech Friday. After cackling like a cartoon villain for a full fifteen minutes, Schwab declared, “Zees results prove zat Agenda 2030 vill be here vether the world’s people support zee agenda or not! Ze days of having to steal elections vill soon be OVER! For how canst zer be elections, ven zer vill be NO PEOPLE ALIVE TO VOTE IN THEM! Zer vill be only ze robots, and zer vill be ze cyborgs, like us!”

A spokesman from The National Anthony Fauci Foundation explained that the COVID vaccines will be the gift that keeps on giving for many years to come. “Being vaxxed and receiving the latest boosters will be your best protection against dying from old age, as well as from developing any chronic illnesses associated with senescence. By dying before they reach a state of terminal decline, millions, perhaps even billions, of people will be spared the horrors of living with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, shingles, dementia, incontinence, and the inability to handle the most basic tasks of daily life — basically, they will be spared the fate of living so long that they end up like President Biden — because they will be dead long before that.

Philanthropic embezzler and disciple of effective altruism, Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF), noted that according to his Utilitarian Calculus, the COVID vaccine mandates were an extremely ethical policy decision, since dying from Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (SADS) entails far less suffering than dying from natural causes.

In other news, The American Academy of Arts and Anthony Fauci (formerly known as The American Academy of Arts and Sciences) gave an award to The International Brotherhood of Bank Robbers (IBBR) for helping the profession of bank robbery become the profession with the highest rates of compliance with mask mandates. Virgil Starkwell, the Executive Director of the IBBR, was on hand to accept the award and give a few remarks. He praised The World Health Organization, the WEF, and Anthony “The Science” Fauci, among others, for “helping make life easier for bank robbers everywhere by normalizing mask-wearing in banks.” He went on to criticize doctors who publicly questioned the efficacy of mask-wearing, saying, “I’m a doctor too, a doctor of stickupology, and in my professional opinion, wearing masks is extremely beneficial and offers a very high level of protection. Whenever my fellow bank robbers and I go anywhere, we always wear our masks.”

Justin Fidelito, president of The American Academy of Arts and Anthony Fauci, commended the International Brotherhood of Bank Robbers (IBBR) for their very public support of mask-mandates throughout the pandemic, going so far as to call bank robbers “very valuable allies in the battle against misinformation.”

SBF also attended the ceremony, along with his Utilitarian Calculus. Afterwards, in an interview with Anthony Fauci Magazine (formerly Science Magazine), SBF said, “According to my calculations, bank robbers, as a profession, provide net positive utility by combating misinformation and helping to increase trust and obedience to public officials who are trying desperately to save democracy from the regular people who are overwhelmingly misinformed. Also, for the record, I am not now, nor have I ever been, involved in a CIA plot to undermine public confidence in crypto. That is a complete lie, invented by MAGA Republicans, and a lie that I will categorically deny until my dying day, which, incidentally, will not have been brought about by the CIA or the Mossad, as I have no relationship with either organization.”