Random News from Clown World
Where Truth Is Stranger than Fiction and More Absurd than Satire
Welcome to Clown World! Where Truth is stranger than fiction and even more absurd than the zaniest satire. Here are some of the latest stories.
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Turd-eau at Drag Queen Story Hour
During Pride Month, a few lucky children got to see everyone’s favorite Prime Minister, Justin Turd-eau, reading and performing children’s stories at a Drag Queen Story Hour event. Here’s a picture of Prime Minister Blackface in drag:
The people of Canada must be so proud!
The Preschool to Prison Pipeline
For children growing up in the Hood in St. Paul, Minnesota, the Preschool to Prison Pipeline is real! Just watch the video below in this embedded Tweet:
I know it’s wise to be like Mark Twain and stay away from making predictions, especially about the future; but I think I can call this one. Looking into my crystal ball, I see a sad day, not too many years from now, when the absentee parents of these adorable children will suddenly reappear. They’ll be arm-in-arm with attorney Ben Chump, at a news conference, where they will face the cameras and tearfully condemn the senseless police murder of their innocent little angel. Nothing will assuage these grieving parents’ tears — nothing, that is, except for a multimillion dollar settlement with the city.
Obviously, when these kids’ lives are cut short mid-crime spree by racist police, who have the audacity to enforce the laws — “law and order” is such a white supremacist construct! — it will be yet more proof of the systemic racism that exists in a criminal justice system that EXECUTES — I am shouting now, I am so upset by the genocide being committed! — that GUNS DOWN IN COLD BLOOD — I am leaping to my feet and stomping, I am so mad! — these mostly-peaceful rapists, robbers, carjackers, and murderers of color. [Note: “white” is not a color, so the pale, colorless criminals whom the police kill, well, they deserved it.]
Anyway, let me sit down again and take some aspirin to help with my blood pressure. All this racism got me angry!
According to the omniscient and infallible Wikipedia, the “School-to-Prison Pipeline” is caused by “increasingly harsh school and municipal policies.” In other words, it is because we have rules. That is what causes all the problems, these bigoted expectations that people won’t commit violent felonies. See how racist we are?
If we could just be open-minded like some place or other that must have once upon a time existed before the genocidal white man showed up — Eden? Utopia? Atlantis? — and if we could just let go of the white-supremacist-cis-hetero-normative-Neanderthal-nano-Newtonian-non-rainbow patriarchy; if we could get rid of all the laws, all would be well! With no laws for anyone to break, there would be no criminals and, hence, no prisons. And everything would be perfect!
Of course, we’d have to get rid of all the guns. We’d need some laws against guns, and I suppose we’d need a few police to enforce those gun-control laws. But only for white people with guns. For any people of color with guns — remember, “white” is NOT a color, you racist! — we would send social workers, so that they don’t get executed by the police.
We’d also need prisons for the January 6th insurrectionists, who almost gored our elected officials to death with their buffalo-horn hats and took over the government. I mean, that was the bloodiest attack on American soil since Gettysburg! Even deadlier than Pearl Harbor or 9/11!
So I guess we’d have some laws and some police. Not many, but just enough to safeguard our democracy and keep those right-wingers in prison where they belong.
Stop Dead-Naming Elliot Page!
People need to stop dead-naming Elliot Page. He is a man, and he has always been a man. And his name has always been Elliot.
People got confused about this because some bigoted doctor decided, very transphobically, to unilaterally assign Elliot to the female gender at birth. This obvious error was caused by the barbaric notion that being born with a vagina and ovaries, instead of a penis and testicles, is a sure sign that you are female. Thankfully, our Father who art The Science has liberated us from this ignorance!
Also, Elliot Page broke ground in Hollywood by playing the role of a woman named Ellen. He did this in a few movies, so some of the intolerant and ignorant Trump supporters out there thought his name was Ellen.
Let me clear this up once and for all: Elliot Page has always been a man; and his name has always been Elliot. All Truth is Relative and Subjective, but this Truth about Elliot being a man is Objective and Eternal. Elliot Page has always been a male named Elliot, just like the Sun has always been a star called The Sun. And if you say that’s illogical, let me just remind you that LOGIC IS A WHITE SUPREMACIST CONSTRUCT, YOU BIGOT!
Sorry, I am shouting again. It’s just that these BIGOTED TRUMP — sorry, I’ll sit down before I have a stroke. Let me take a deep breath and continue . . .
President Joe Biden Gives Megan Rapinoe an Award
In other recent news, President “Geriatric” Joe Biden gave Megan Rapinoe an award for being the first professional female soccer player to become good enough to play on a typical high-school boys’ soccer team.
Now, Rapinoe became famous for demanding that female soccer players earn just as much as male soccer players. And the relevant male soccer players are, of course, NOT the males with a similar level of skill and athleticism, because that would mean comparing her to high school boys, and that would mean that she would not be paid anything, and that would be SEXIST!
Also, when determining salaries for men vs women, we cannot base them on a comparison of the revenues generated by men’s sports vs women’s sports, because that would be sexist and inequitable. So what if men’s sports are the moneymakers! Equity demands that we take from the men and give to the women.
What’s that you’re thinking? That in order to get equal pay, they should have to do equal work, so that if Meghan Rapinoe wants to get paid the same as the men, she should play in the same league as the men and prove that she can compete on a level playing field and against the same competition as them?
No, we do NOT use the standard of equality UNLESS it refers to outcomes. That’s equity, fool! Equal outcome, regardless of inputs.
Like Alexis de Toqueville once observed, “Americans are so enamoured of equality, that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom.” I don’t need to analyze that quote in order to know I’m right. If men make more money than women, it is because of the Patriarchy, and we must force the men to share their earnings with the women in order to achieve equity. But if women make more than men, as usually happens with strippers and prostitutes and HR Departments and other forms of harlotry, then that is fine and good because it is equitable. [That’s how Victimology Poker works!]
All of us are equal, but in 2022, women are more equal than men. That’s called “EQUITY.”
Twerking Tiara Mack: Oppressed State Senator with an Ivy League Degree
This past week, Tiara Mack proved her incredible competence, keen intelligence, and overwhelming professionalism by twerking, upside down, in the sand at a beach, as part of a campaign ad on Tik-Tok.
Her performance was so compelling that even those white supremacist fascists at Fox News, like Tucker Carlson, had to give her props and call for the Democrats to make her their nominee in 2024. Watch this video below (embedded from Tucker Carlson’s Twitter):
Of course, there are so many other important and entertaining stories happening in Clown World these days. I will have to make another post about things like Sri Lanka and their incredibly strong and vibrant economy based on sound ESG principles, as well as all the heartwarming news about “Geriatric” Joe Biden and his family. But that will have to wait. Till next time!
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