Identity Politics for White People
Here's an Ingenious Way for Crackas Like Me to Claim Preferential Victim Status without Having to Join the Rainbow Coalition!
A few months ago I wrote a post on America’s new national pastime, known as Victimology Poker, and how it was inducing a significant number of white people to join the Rainbow Coalition in order to gain preferential cultural status as a victim. But what do you do if you’re a white man who wants to play identity politics, but you don’t want to have anal sex with other guys or wear dresses and lipstick? Are you doomed to remain an evil COLONIZER and OPPRESSOR for the rest of your privileged life?
Fortunately for you, the answer is a resounding “No!”
Dear ladies and gentle-crackas, I have found the loophole that we palefaces can use to play identity politics and win!
This loophole also works for Asians. Even though the Japanese and Chinese once faced de jure discrimination in America that was similar to Jim Crow laws against African-Americans, today Asians are considered “white adjacent.” They have too many perfect SAT scores, too many professional accomplishments in the STEM fields, and too many great restaurants to ever be bona fide victims. In terms of their ranking in the victimhood-dominance hierarchy, Asians barely outrank whites.
The Secret for Playing Identity Politics Successfully
So what is the great secret for playing identity politics effectively if you’re white or Asian? Well, instead of identifying as white or Asian, identify as Neanderthal!
Yes, my crackas (and my cracker-adjacent Asian friends), if your ancestors hailed from Europe or Asia, you almost certainly have some Neanderthal DNA. But if your ancestry is from Africa, you are part of the HUMAN-SUPREMACIST species of OPPRESSORS and COLONIZERS!
Next time some black person tells me about how privileged I am because my ancestors were never slaves in this country, I will reply, “You’re right. My ancestors were never enslaved in America — because they were hunted to extinction by YOUR SPECIES before America even existed!”
Native Americans want to complain about how the white man showed up, took their land, reneged constantly on peace treaties, forced them onto reservations, and then added insult to injury by naming a bunch of shitty sports teams after them? Yeah, well, as a NEANDERTHAL, my people weren’t so lucky. After our caves were stolen, after our stick-figure drawings were CULTURALLY APPROPRIATED by homo sapien kindergarteners all over the world, after the animals we relied on for prey were wiped out, and after our women were CARRIED OFF and RAPED and FORCED TO RAISE HOMO SAPIEN BABIES, after all that, we Neanderthals were GENOCIDED UNTIL WE WENT EXTINCT! Do you hear me?! EXTINCT!!!
[Let me pause for a moment and catch my breath . . . I was thinking out loud — and by “loud” I mean VERY LOUD — while I typed that last paragraph, and now one of my children and both of my dogs are expressing some anxiety about my well-being. Sorry, but I sometimes get a little emotional when I think about the pain and trauma of my Neanderthal ancestors . . .]
The Benefits of Being Neanderthal
Identifying as Neanderthal has all kinds of benefits.
First, it gives us our own “N-word,” which non-Neanderthals should be instantly canceled for saying. And you know who is not part Neanderthal? Most Africans. So if you identify as African, you DO NOT have an “N-word pass” for this N-word. Dig THAT, my Neanda!
Second, I can now use my Neanderthal identity to justify my behavior and avoid any social consequences for doing and saying things that our Homo Sapien-supremacist culture finds problematic. You got a problem with me pissing on the sidewalk? Well, my Neanderthal ancestors used to piss out in the open . . . before you HUMANS showed up and decided to MURDER them all! And if the police harass me for urinating on a public sidewalk, then those police are obviously RACIST!
Or say I’m at a workplace meeting, and I get sick of hearing people go on and on about how “there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’” and how they “just wanna piggyback off what the last person said” and all that crap. If I decide to interrupt the meeting by banging on a table and doing a prehistoric war dance, that’s just me expressing my Neanderthal culture. And if my boss tries to discriminate against me with some SPECIESIST ideas about “professionalism” and being “polite” and all that, then I will file an EEOC complaint. And I’ll probably stop showing up for work on time, because punctuality is a HOMO SAPIEN-supremacist construct!
Third, Neanderthals are an underrepresented and historically marginalized minority. We were the victims of history’s first large-scale genocide, and now we half-breeds (or 1/50th-breeds) are all that’s left of the once-proud and mighty Neanderthal race. Therefore, we need quotas and preferential treatment. Black people want to talk about 400 years (rounding up to the nearest hundred) of oppression? 400 years? Ha. You think 400 years is bad? How about 40,000 years? I know I’ve only been alive since the late 1970s, but I am going to claim all 40,000 of those years of oppression and genocide for myself, as my own personal trauma. Because if there’s anything that all the woke agitprop about racial issues has taught me, it’s that the Fallacy of Division is a logically valid tool for proving that people are suffering from racism in the present: what’s true of the entire group historically is necessarily true of any and all individual members of that group today! My Neanderthal race was traumatized and oppressed 40,000 years ago? That makes me, personally, traumatized and oppressed today! So pay me my reparations, and give me my DEI quotas, you bigot!
Fourth, if I am ever in a personal conflict with someone who does not share my Neanderthal ancestry, then I can automatically assume, absent proof to the contrary, that the person I am beefing with is RACIST against Neanderthals. I’m thinking now about the exchange I had today with a dark-skinned Karen at the supermarket. I heard her huffing and puffing after I cut in line in front of her, so I said, “Oh, so you got something to say because I just cut in line? I’m sorry, HUMAN! I was just distracted because I was thinking about how YOUR SPECIES colonized my Neanderthal homeland and hunted my ancestors to extinction. EXTINCTION!!! WHY ARE YOU CLUTCHING YOUR PURSE? Do Neanderthal men make you scared? Are you RACIST?!”
[Sorry, my dogs are once more barking frantically, and my children are hiding in the basement. I guess I was yelling again when I typed that last paragraph. It’s just that thinking about the pain of my Neanderthal ancestors makes me emotional and erratic and a bit on edge. I’m sorry if that makes people uncomfortable. It must be nice knowing that your ancestors didn’t GO EXTINCT!]
Fifth, by identifying as Neanderthal, we European-Americans can start practicing identity politics. If you’re black or Hispanic or Pacific Islander or anything other than white, you are encouraged to practice in-group preference and to close ranks with other members of your race, to advocate collectively for your shared interests, and to work cooperatively to promote those interests. If you’re white and you try to do this, you are labeled a “white supremacist” and de-platformed.
If you’re non-white, you are encouraged to take racial pride in the great things accomplished by members of your race, but you are never asked to take responsibility for any of the harms that members of your race have caused. This is precisely the opposite with white people: whites are discouraged from taking any sort of pride in the contributions white people have made to the world, but we are continually guilt-tripped for all the bad shit that the worst white people have ever done. (I would say this is a double standard, but as many have pointed out, if the woke did not have double standards, they would have no standards at all.)
By identifying as Neanderthal, however, we can take all the racial pride we want in ourselves and our group. So celebrate all that great cave art and stone tools our ancestors made! Openly practice in-group preference as a Neanderthal! Whenever you can, patronize only businesses that advertise as being “Neanderthal-owned!” Form cultural and political organizations with your fellow Neanderthals to advance our mutual interests at the expense of all those privileged non-Neanderthals.
Say It Loud, “I’m Neanda and proud!”
So if you’re of the Caucasian persuasion and you want to practice identity politics without becoming gay or trans, then this is how you do it! Embrace your Neanderthal identity.
Connect with your rich Neanderthal history — history that has been ignored and suppressed for too long because it, like, wasn’t written down and shit. The fact that there are no history books about Neanderthal civilization means that we get to invent it and make it as grandiose as we want! We was kings, you hear me?! KINGS!!!
Go paint a cave wall! Dress yourself in animal skins, wave a club, and drag your Neanderthal ho around by her matted hair.
Get in touch with your inner Homo Neanderthalensis! And together, let’s fight Homo Sapiens-supremacy and eliminate all this modern-human privilege!
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For an interesting take on the phenomena of white people, in sharp contrast with every other racial or ethnic group today, being conditioned to demonstrate a clear out-group preference, and the effect that this enforced out-group preference has had on younger generations of white males, check out John Carter’s piece They Say The Want Their Sons to Succeed:
This was brilliant and hilarious.
At the risk of letting sheer autism spoil the humor, the genetic evidence seems to suggest that cross-breeding between Sapiens and Neanderthalensis was exclusively through the male lineage of the latter, either because Neanda women couldn't bring half-breeds to term, or because hybrids with Sapiens Y chromosomes were sterile, or because the crosses were all produced by male neanderthals getting rapey. OR, and I just thought of it: perhaps all such hybrids were killed at birth by human supremacists, whereas the kind, wise, and gentle neanderthals raised their hybrid offspring like their own, which nurturing aspect to their harmonious culture led to many Sapiens women defecting from their evil subspecies.
As another aside, what about the Denisovans? African genocide against our peoples wasn't limited to Neandas, my Neanda! We are all POGs (People of Genocide), and that's a big coalition!
Now I get it. I’m actually not a Neanderthal, but a Homo erectus, and the feminists are always accusing me of toxic masculinity.