Super #SJW Man Chapter 5

Super #SJW Man and Captain Wokeness Practice Their Secret Code and Team Cheer

Super #SJW Man: a Cancel-Culture Superhero!

[Previous Entry: Chapter 4, in which Super #SJW Man Gets a Sidekick]

Super #SJW Man and Captain Wokeness stood before a full-length mirror in Captain Wokeness’s apartment, admiring themselves and grinning from ear to ear.

They had completed their costumes with a trip to a nearby thrift shop. Super #SJW Man had added a proper purple cape, a pink canvas belt, and a single sequined glove, a la Michael Jackson. He had also found a dozen more v-neck t-shirts on which to spray paint his logo, “#SJW.”

Captain Wokeness had put together an even more outrageous outfit. He now wore a lime-green stocking cap, a bright-yellow cape, a light-red t-shirt, oversized black combat boots, and a pair of very tight-fitting, purple yoga stretch pants. He had spray painted his own logo, “#WOKE,” on the front of his shirt.

“Wow!” exclaimed Super #SJW Man. “Our costumes are so boldly nonconformist, yet subtly ironic. Totally avant-garde! Totally deck!”

“Agreed!” yelled Captain Wokeness, beaming with pride. “Question. Do we keep our old identities during the day? You know, like the way Superman would be disguised as Clark Kent and then, when there was trouble, he would change into his superhero outfit in a phone booth?”

Super #SJW Man thought about this for a moment. “Well, there aren’t any phone booths anymore, so where would we change if we were Superman? I think that superheroes in the digital age have to have their superhero costumes on at all times, so they can respond right away when evil strikes.”

Captain Wokeness nodded. “That makes sense.”

“Now that our outfits are totally solid, we need to come up with a team handshake and a team cheer,” said Super #SJW Man.

“A team cheer?” asked Captain Wokeness, skeptically scrunching up his face. “I haven’t heard of any superheroes with a team cheer.”

Super #SJW Man shook his head and held up his left index finger. “We are a different kind of superhero, though. We are not just superheroes; we are social justice warriors! We are spearheading a political movement! And the best political movements have protest songs and chants. Like ‘1-2-3-4, Western Civ has got to go,’ and so forth.”

“Okay, I got it,” said Captain Wokeness, giving a thumbs-up. “So what will our cheer be?”

Super #SJW Man stroked his chin thoughtfully and then replied, “How about, ‘We’re not white; we’re not men; we are woke; and we will win!”

“I thought we were white,” said Captain Wokeness. “And men. Unfortunately. I wish we weren’t.”

“Yeah, I know,” replied Super #SJW Man. “But we are voluntarily renouncing our white male privilege and joining the oppressed people in their fight for wokeness and justice for all.”

“So we’re like anti-white-male white males!” shouted Captain Wokeness.

“Exactly!” said Super #SJW Man. “Like the way JFK said, ‘Ich Bin Ein Berliner,’ we are saying, ‘I am a black woman; I am a trans man; I am an undocumented immigrant; I am a Chinese-American; I am a Muslim woman with a burka; I am a lesbian;’ and so on.”

Captain Wokeness nodded. “Yeah, fuck the white men. We are undercover agents on the white male side, working for the movement of non-white, non-male personhood.”

“So are we good with, ‘We’re not white; we’re not men; we are woke, and we will win!?’” asked Super #SJW Man.

“Hell yeah,” said Captain Wokeness. “Now let’s come up with a secret handshake.”

After several minutes of clumsily slapping their hands together, they finally settled on the “Team Woke” handshake: first, they fist-bumped; second, they opened their hands and touched their fingertips together one at a time, starting with their thumbs and ending with their pinkies; third, they closed their fingers, but not their palms, and interlocked their fingers together; fourth, they pulled their hands apart and snapped their fingers; fifth, they high-fived; and last of all, they pointed both of their index fingers at each other, like wild west gunslingers, and did their “Woke Team” chant.

Super #SJW Man nodded and grinned. “Superhero uniform? Check! Superhero handshake? Totally check! Superhero team chant? Absolutely check! We are ready to save the world!”

“Hell yeah!” cried Captain Wokeness. “Move over DC comics! Out of the way, Marvel! Team Woke is taking over!”

[Coming up Next: Chapter 6, in which Team Woke Trolls Twitter ; or return to Table of Contents here.]