Super #SJW Man Chapter 4
SUPER #SJW MAN GETS A SIDEKICK
[Previous Chapter: Super #SJW Man’s Family Replies to His Announcement; or go to the Table of Contents]
[Note: This story was written in 2019, before the scamdemic, and before Sam Harris decided to abandon any pretense of rationality and go all-in with his public support for the Blue Tribe’s lockdowns and mandates, and before Harris’s public proclamations that the Blue Tribe was morally justified in lying, cheating, and stealing to defeat Trump, despite having previously written an entire book on why it is never morally permissible to lie. Thus, the depictions of Sam Harris in this story reflect Harris’s public image as it was in 2019, when he was mostly hated by the Blue Tribe for having “platformed” Charles Murray, but much has changed since then . . .]
Super #SJW Man pranced down the stairs, from the street to the entrance of his favorite dive bar, The Milk & Honey Pub. Once inside, he spotted his friend, Baron, sitting alone at the end of the bar and sat down beside him.
Baron was a short and skinny young man, with blonde, shaggy hair. He wore a tweed sports coat and driving hat, skinny jeans, a striped v-neck t-shirt, and horn-rimmed glasses.
Whereas Super #SJW Man had gone insane from listening to Ezra Klein and reading The Huffington Post, Baron had lost his mind while smoking marijuana laced with embalming fluid and PCP. However, Baron’s psychosis had gone mostly undetected, since his friends were all either high all the time on drugs or wacked out on wokeness. Despite his tenuous grip on reality, he had been able to complete a PhD in sociology. In fact, his psychosis had actually enhanced his career as a freelance blogger, since he was able to argue passionately for his conclusions without being hindered by trivial details like facts and logic.
“Marshall!” ejaculated Baron, with a look of surprise and admiration. “I love the shirt and the cape! That is so ironic! That is so deck!”
Super #SJW Man smiled and held up his hand. “Please, Baron, I am no longer Marshall; I am Super #SJW Man!”
“Delightful!” exclaimed Baron, clapping his hands together with glee.
“Hello, Marshall, what’ll it be?” interrupted the bartender, a heavyset woman with purple hair, ultra-pale skin, and a colorful assortment of tattoos covering both arms.
“He’s not Marshall anymore,” said Baron, with a jolly twinkle in his eyes. “He’s a superhero now: Super #SJW Man!”
“Oh, okay!” replied the bartender, nodding. “Super #SJW Man, what’s up?”
Super #SJW Man beamed with pride as he declared, “I stand together with the oppressed and marginalized against the right-wing bullies of the world! I am Super #SJW Man! And I’ll have a White Valley organic IPA.”
“You got it, Super #SJW Man!” said the bartender.
“So what inspired you to become a superhero?” asked Baron.
“I was listening to Ezra Klein’s podcast, and he was doing battle with that uber-right-winger Sam Harris,” began Super #SJW Man. He paused after uttering Sam Harris’s name and pretended to gag. “Harris was upset because he thought Ezra was being unfair. But what Harris doesn’t realize it this: once you embrace even a tiny part of the white-supremacist patriarchy’s worldview, you lose your moral standing and any possible claim to fairness.”
“I need to listen to that,” said Baron. “I would love to hear Ezra Klein expose Sam Harris for the fascist that he is. Harris is so un-woke he might as well be in hibernation mode.”
Super #SJW Man nodded and continued, “Ezra totally put Sam Harris on blast for his thought crimes against humanity. I was listening to this while I was reading an article on The Huffington Post about Dave Chappelle’s tasteless comedy – somehow Chappelle thinks it’s okay to tell jokes about the LGBTQ community.”
“Dave Chappelle has turned into a total Nazi,” interjected Baron.
“I know,” agreed Super #SJW Man. “I was listening to Sam Harris’s blasphemies and reading about Dave Chappelle’s fascist comedy, and it hit me, what am I going to do about it? The world needs to be saved from all the fascist W.A.S.P. assholes out there, like Dave Chappelle, Bill Burr, and Sam Harris. Our generation needs a superhero who is super woke, and Baron, I am that superhero!”
“Stupendous!” exclaimed Baron, smiling radiantly. “Who is your sidekick?”
“Sidekick?” muttered Super #SJW Man, with a puzzled expression.
“Yeah, a sidekick!” repeated Baron. “Every big-time superhero needs a sidekick. Batman has Robin, right? Wonder Woman had Wonder Girl. The Teen Titans have each other.”
“You’re right!” shouted Super #SJW Man. “I need a sidekick. Will you be my sidekick?”
Baron looked down bashfully and replied, “Gee willickers Super #SJW Man, I thought you’d never ask.” He laughed and then added, “Hell yeah, I’ll do it! But what will I be called?”
Super #SJW Man winked and said gravely, “I dub thee … Captain Wokeness!”
“I love it!” replied Baron. “After this moment, I am no longer Baron Fields; I am Captain Wokeness! Together with Super #SJW Man, I will fight fascism and intolerance until all the world is woke!”
[Up Next, Chapter 5 in which Super #SJW Man and Captain Wokeness Practice Their Secret Code and Team Cheer; or go to the Table of Contents.]
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