How We Can Fix America's Elections

A modest proposal for improving the democratic process, increasing voter participation, and getting stronger candidates to make America build back better again.

2024 will be here before you know it, and that means we will soon be having another puppet show — I mean, election cycle. While I do not know who the winners will be, I do know that they will be deeply despised by tens of millions of voters who will believe the results were rigged. Fortunately, I have a very modest proposal on how we can easily make American elections great again — or at the very least, make them much more fun and entertaining.

How We Can Fix America’s Elections (Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash)

America’s Democratic Process is Undemocratic

Folks on the Right are still seething over the last Presidential election. The Left takes this as proof that MAGA people are insane. After all, the authorities assured us that the 2020 election was the most secure election ever — it was the first time in history that we used mail-in ballots, and there’s no way to cheat with those! Besides, these authorities would never lie to us about anything! You’d have to be insane not to trust them!

Of course, these same authorities had previously sworn that Trump had colluded with Russia to steal the election in 2016, and after years of FBI investigations and impeachment proceedings against Trump, the whole thing turned out to be an illegal Psyop created by the Clinton campaign and the DNC. But that was, like, last decade and stuff! So it might as well never have happened.

Kind of like how Anthony Fauci wasn’t involved in any way with COVID lockdowns! You’re just misremembering things if you think he was! And plus, that was a long time ago, and The Science was settled at that time, so government officials like Fauci were actually correct. But then, after being permanently settled in 2020, The Science evolved, so now it seems like Fauci and friends were incorrect; but that is only your mind playing tricks on you. They were actually correct because they were wrong for the right reasons. On the other hand, you were right for the wrong reasons, so that makes you wrong then and wrong today. Got it? Good. Now shut up and obey!

My Modest Proposal to Make American Elections Great Again!

We need to make some changes to America’s puppet shows — I mean, elections. And I have the perfect plan to do it: outsource our elections to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE)!

WWE Wrestlers Are Better Actors than the Politicians

There are several advantages to letting the WWE run our elections. Sure, wrestling is scripted, but so is politics! And unlike our current elected officials, pro wrestlers can actually follow the script without stumbling over their words (or stumbling over the stairs of Air Force One).

WWE Wrestlers Are More Physically Attractive than the Politicians

If we’re going to have paid actors pretending to be political leaders, we might as well get some paid actors that are visually appealing. And if our leaders are going to lie to us, we might as well get leaders who are young and fit and nubile, rather than the old prune-faced reptiles we got now. Because nothing makes you quite so willing to believe an obvious lie than having it told to you by a sexy señority with a seductive smile on her face. So if the regime is going to give us liars telling us incredible falsehoods, at least give us liars that are physically attractive!

WWE Will Bring More Diversity, a.k.a., Strength, to Our Democracy!

The WWE will make our democracy stronger! We know that diversity is our strength, and pro wrestling brings together an incredible diversity of different cultures and ethnicities. The WWE has something for everyone:

• Redneck soap opera for the good-ol boys!

• Telenovela-style family drama for Los Latinos!

• Hip-hop heroics for urban audiences!

• And plenty of strong women to satisfy the “future is female” crowd!

WWE Has Better Villains

If we’re going to have an oligarch playing kingmaker in government with his money and influence, wouldn’t you rather have one who knows how to embrace his role as Boss-Hogg-style villain in a fun and lighthearted way? Instead of sneaky snakes like George Sorosdemon, we could get Vince McMahon as the Chairman of the Board of Our Democracy, Inc!