Super #SJW Man Chapter 6
TEAM WOKE TROLLS TWITTER
[Previous Entry: Chapter 5, in which Super #SJW Man and Captain Wokeness Practice Their Secret Code and Team Cheer; or visit the Introduction and Table of Contents.]
“Are you ready to save the world?” asked Super #SJW Man.
“Most def,” replied Captain Wokeness.
“Then let’s go to the battlefield, soldier.”
The two superheroes marched towards the couch, sat down in unison, held up their phones to their faces, and began scrolling through Twitter, looking for a fight.
Super #SJW Man began bouncing excitedly in his seat. “I got one!” he yelled. “I found a bad guy to fight!’
“Where?” asked Captain Wokeness, leaning over to look at his comrade’s phone.
“It’s that neo-Nazi skinhead, Ben Shapiro!”
“I thought he has hair,” said Captain Wokeness.
“I meant ‘skinhead’ metaphorically,” said Super #SJW Man.
“And isn’t he Jewish?” asked Captain Wokeness.
“He’s not a real Jew; he’s a Nazi,” said Super #SJW Man. “I mean, he’s friends with Sam Harris, who’s also a Nazi. On behalf of Jews everywhere, I am going to wage war with Ben Shapiro now!”
“I didn’t know you’re Jewish!” cried Captain Wokeness.
“I’m not,” said Super #SJW Man. “But I consider myself an ally of oppressed people everywhere. And as an ally of all Jews, I have to destroy Ben Shapiro.”
“Hell yeah,” said Captain Wokeness. “Let’s troll that Nazi! What should we say about him?”
“I don’t know,” said Super #SJW Man. “Doesn’t he hate black people?”
“He might,” speculated Captain Wokeness.
“He’s against the Black Lives Matter movement,” continued Super #SJW Man. “So logically, he believes black lives don’t matter.”
“That racist!” shouted Captain Wokeness, shaking his fist.
Super #SJW Man nodded, bit his lip in anger, and muttered, “That racist, right-wing, fake-Jew bastard!”
Captain Wokeness narrowed his gaze as he typed hurriedly. After a few seconds, he threw his phone onto the couch and jumped to his feet. “I nailed him!” he yelled.
As Super #SJW Man read what his partner had just tweeted, he began cackling with fiendish glee. “Great job!” he yelled. “I’m going to retweet it.”
Within half a minute, their tweets had been liked and retweeted over a thousand times. The tweet said simply, “@BenShapiro has a GoFundMe page for convicted racist Charles Murray to publish book of racist lies! #FightRacism #DeplatformHate.”
As he reread the tweet, however, Super #SJW Man became anxious. “What if someone fact checks our Tweets?” he asked.
“That won’t happen,” said Captain Wokeness, as he laughed and slapped his friend on the back. “Besides, how would they fact check it anyway? By checking out every GoFundMe page out there, to make sure none of them were set up by Ben Shapiro for Charles Murray? By listening to every minute of Ben Shapiro’s podcasts to make sure he doesn’t mention setting up a GoFundMe page for some racist scientist?”
Super #SJW Man nodded and took a deep breath.
“Nobody will fact check you,” continued Captain Wokeness. “And when Shapiro has to go around explaining his side of the story, he will only add to the public perception that he is a racist, because he will strengthen the associations between himself and racism and between himself and Charles Murray by talking about it. It’s brilliant! There’s no way Shapiro can win!”
Super #SJW Man’s worried look melted away and he was soon grinning from ear to ear. He rechecked Twitter and saw that Captain Wokeness’s original tweet had been retweeted over 10,000 times. He nodded and fist-bumped his fellow superhero. Their first battle on Twitter had been a huge success.
[Up Next: Chapter 7, in which Team Woke Appoints a Crackhead as Director of Minority Outreach; or return to the Table of Contents.]
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