Super #SJW Man Chapter 7

TEAM WOKE APPOINTS A CRACKHEAD AS DIRECTOR OF MINORITY OUTREACH

Super #SJW Man: a Cancel-Culture Superhero!

[These Super #SJW Man posts are chapters from a book originally published in 2019. For the table of contents and introduction, click here. The previous post was Chapter 6, in which Team Woke Trolls Twitter]

“We need more diversity,” said Super #SJW Man. “We hate cisgender white males, like us, so we need someone with melanin or someone with a vagina – or someone who doesn’t have a vagina but wishes he had one.”

Captain Wokeness nodded. “Yeah, we’ve got enough people like us. We need someone different. How about a black person?”

“My thoughts exactly,” said Super #SJW Man. He gave his partner a fist bump and then contorted his hands into imaginary gang signs. “West side!” he shouted. “Let’s go find some blighted housing projects to connect with our unfortunate black brothers living on the wrong side of the tracks.”

“Let’s do this!” yelled Captain Wokeness. “West Side, my nig—!”

He was cut off mid-sentence when his mouth was abruptly covered by Super #SJW Man’s hand. 

“Not so loud!” cried Super #SJW Man. “We have to be careful not to say any form of the ‘N’ word around those people, because they get super upset. They’re super sensitive, because they’ve been oppressed for so long.”

“My bad,” his partner said, hanging his head and looking glumly at the floor.

“I accept your apology,” said Super #SJW Man. “You’re lucky I stopped you from completing that word, even if you were using the hip-hop version of it that ends in ‘a.’ Had you uttered that blasphemous word in its entirety, I would have been forced to report you to Twitter!”

“You are completely right,” said Captain Wokeness. “I promise that it will never, ever happen again.”

“It must not happen again,” continued Super #SJW Man. “As Team Woke, we must hold ourselves to the highest possible standard. We can never say anything at which any non-white, non-straight, non-binary, non-American person could possibly take any offense!”

“Please don’t kick me off the team,” begged Captain Wokeness. “Please give me another chance. And whatever you do, please don’t say anything about this on Twitter.”

Super #SJW Man nodded and said, “Your sins have been forgiven.” He slapped Captain Wokeness on the back.

“Thanks, bro,” said Captain Wokeness.

The two superheroes hugged.

“Alright, let’s do our team handshake and team cheer!” shouted Super #SJW Man.

After performing their complicated team handshake, the superheroes chanted, “We’re not white! We’re not men! We’re Team Woke! And we will win!” They did their secret handshake and then repeated their team cheer two more times.

“I was thinking,” began Super #SJW Man, “that we will have to get used to speaking in ebonics if we want to communicate with our downtrodden African-American brothers and sisters and non-binaries living in the ghetto. We will probably also need to incorporate rap music into our campaign, so we can reach them more effectively.”