Super #SJW Man Chapter 8

TEAM WOKE ALLIES WITH THE LGBTQ+ MOVEMENT

Super #SJW Man: a Cancel-Culture Superhero!

[These Super #SJW Man posts are chapters from a book originally published in 2019. For the table of contents and introduction, click here. The previous post was Chapter 7, in which Team Woke Appoints a Crackhead as Director of Minority Outreach]

“Maybe we should go back to the hotel,” said Super #SJW Man, as they drove past endless crumbling houses, vacant storefronts, staggering winos, and zombie-like junkies.

“Why?” asked Captain Wokeness. “We’ve got Eric handling the recruitment drive on the black side of town.”

“I know, but if we can get Mr. Fix and his associates to start spreading the message, our organization should grow twice as fast.”

Captain Wokeness shrugged and said, “Okay.” He made a sharp u-turn. Suddenly, a black sports car shot out of the parking lot of an abandoned gas station and began following them closely. A moment later, the black car erupted in a dazzling display of pulsating blue lights.

“What the hell?” muttered Captain Wokeness, as he pulled to the side of the road. “Twice in one day!”

He rolled down his window and held out his license and insurance card. He smiled politely at the approaching policeman and said, “Good evening, officer.”

“Good evening, sir,” the officer replied curtly. “I stopped you for making an illegal U-Turn. What are you kids doing on this side of town?”

“We’re political journalists,” said Super #SJW Man.

“Everyone is these days,” the officer replied, in a humorless tone. “You kids under the influence?”

Both superheroes shook their heads and said, “No, sir.”

The officer glared at them and added, “You come over to this neighborhood to buy drugs?”

They replied again, “No, sir.”

“What publication do you write for?” asked the officer.

“I write for The Daily Hipster,” said Super #SJW Man. Pointing at his friend, he added, “And he has his own blog.”

“Where are you coming from?” asked the officer. 

“We’re just driving around, looking for a story,” said Captain Wokeness.

“Why are you dressed up in superhero costumes?”

“It’s part of the angle on our coverage of events. I’m Super #SJW Man, and this is Captain Wokeness.”

The officer eyed them skeptically for a moment and said finally, “Let me run your license and make sure you’re not wanted for anything, and I’ll let you kids get on your way.”

“I’m glad he’s not giving me a ticket,” muttered Captain Wokeness. “Not that I wouldn’t be able to get out of it anyway, but at least it saves me the hassle. But driving through the black neighborhoods, I’ve gotten pulled over more tonight than the entire rest of my life!”

“You’d only been pulled over once before?” asked Super #SJW Man.

Captain Wokeness nodded.

The officer walked back to their car and handed Captain Wokeness his documents. “I’m not giving you kids a ticket, but you guys need to watch what you’re doing in this neighborhood. Kids like you tend to be over here buying drugs. It’s not worth it. That’s the real warning I’m giving you.”

“Okay, thanks,” said Captain Wokeness. As the officer walked away, Captain Wokeness rolled up the window and muttered, “Prick.”

They drove away and, after making sure that the undercover car was not following them, continued to the hotel.

A few minutes later, they stood in front of the man called “Fix.” Super #SJW Man held out twenty $20 bills, fanned out in his hand like a deck of cards.

“Shit!” cried Fix, snatching Super #SJW Man’s wrist and pulling him close, in a pretend hug. “Don’t wave your money around like that! You gotta be discreet. We don’t know who’s watching.”

Fix took the money out of Super #SJW Man’s hand and let him go. He took a step back and said, “Both of you lift up your shirts. Quick!”

They both lifted their shirts. Fix glanced quickly at their waistbands, patted their pockets, and then nodded. “You good,” he said. “Just gotta be safe.”

“That’s cool,” said Super #SJW Man.

The two superheroes let their shirts fall.

“You kids say you want to meet Myrna?” asked Fix.

The superheroes nodded. After a brief pause, Super #SJW Man said, “We’re looking for someone who is into politics and who is also intersectional.”

Fix looked sideways at the superheroes. “Come again?” he said. “Intersection who?”

“Intersectional,” said Captain Wokeness. “You know, someone who is black or Hispanic and who is also a woman or gay or trans.”

Fix nodded and grinned. “Myrna is just the gal for you. Go down to room 112 and knock on the door. She’ll show you a good time. When she opens the door, just tell her you been fixed up. She knows what to do.”

“Thanks, Mr. Fix!” exclaimed Super #SJW Man.

Fix shook his head and replied with a dismissive wave.

The two friends quickly found Room 112 and knocked hesitantly at the door. They paused to listen, but there was only silence. They knocked again and were about to walk away when they heard a raspy, nasally voice call out, “Who is it?”

“I’m Super #SJW Man, and this is my partner, Captain Wokeness. Together, we are Team Woke!”

“I don’t know anyone by that name,” said the voice.

Captain Wokeness held up a finger and moved closer to the door. “We’ve been fixed up,” he said.

Suddenly, the door was unlocked and thrown open. Myrna looked like a ghost in the darkness. She was rail-thin, yet her breasts were cartoonishly big. Her skin was sickly pale, and her dark eyes looked glassy and unfocussed.  She wore heavy makeup and a wig of long blond hair, which was dirty and matted. She stared blankly at them.

“Are you Myrna?” asked Super #SJW Man.

The woman nodded and said, “Well, don’t just stand there. Come on in.”