Super #SJW Man Chapter 8

TEAM WOKE ALLIES WITH THE LGBTQ+ MOVEMENT

Super #SJW Man: a Cancel-Culture Superhero!

[These Super #SJW Man posts are chapters from a book originally published in 2019. For the table of contents and introduction, click here. The previous post was Chapter 7, in which Team Woke Appoints a Crackhead as Director of Minority Outreach]

“Maybe we should go back to the hotel,” said Super #SJW Man, as they drove past endless crumbling houses, vacant storefronts, staggering winos, and zombie-like junkies.

“Why?” asked Captain Wokeness. “We’ve got Eric handling the recruitment drive on the black side of town.”

“I know, but if we can get Mr. Fix and his associates to start spreading the message, our organization should grow twice as fast.”

Captain Wokeness shrugged and said, “Okay.” He made a sharp u-turn. Suddenly, a black sports car shot out of the parking lot of an abandoned gas station and began following them closely. A moment later, the black car erupted in a dazzling display of pulsating blue lights.

“What the hell?” muttered Captain Wokeness, as he pulled to the side of the road. “Twice in one day!”

He rolled down his window and held out his license and insurance card. He smiled politely at the approaching policeman and said, “Good evening, officer.”

“Good evening, sir,” the officer replied curtly. “I stopped you for making an illegal U-Turn. What are you kids doing on this side of town?”

“We’re political journalists,” said Super #SJW Man.

“Everyone is these days,” the officer replied, in a humorless tone. “You kids under the influence?”

Both superheroes shook their heads and said, “No, sir.”

The officer glared at them and added, “You come over to this neighborhood to buy drugs?”

They replied again, “No, sir.”

“What publication do you write for?” asked the officer.

“I write for The Daily Hipster,” said Super #SJW Man. Pointing at his friend, he added, “And he has his own blog.”

“Where are you coming from?” asked the officer. 

“We’re just driving around, looking for a story,” said Captain Wokeness.

“Why are you dressed up in superhero costumes?”

“It’s part of the angle on our coverage of events. I’m Super #SJW Man, and this is Captain Wokeness.”

The officer eyed them skeptically for a moment and said finally, “Let me run your license and make sure you’re not wanted for anything, and I’ll let you kids get on your way.”

“I’m glad he’s not giving me a ticket,” muttered Captain Wokeness. “Not that I wouldn’t be able to get out of it anyway, but at least it saves me the hassle. But driving through the black neighborhoods, I’ve gotten pulled over more tonight than the entire rest of my life!”

“You’d only been pulled over once before?” asked Super #SJW Man.

Captain Wokeness nodded.

The officer walked back to their car and handed Captain Wokeness his documents. “I’m not giving you kids a ticket, but you guys need to watch what you’re doing in this neighborhood. Kids like you tend to be over here buying drugs. It’s not worth it. That’s the real warning I’m giving you.”

“Okay, thanks,” said Captain Wokeness. As the officer walked away, Captain Wokeness rolled up the window and muttered, “Prick.”

They drove away and, after making sure that the undercover car was not following them, continued to the hotel.

A few minutes later, they stood in front of the man called “Fix.” Super #SJW Man held out twenty $20 bills, fanned out in his hand like a deck of cards.

“Shit!” cried Fix, snatching Super #SJW Man’s wrist and pulling him close, in a pretend hug. “Don’t wave your money around like that! You gotta be discreet. We don’t know who’s watching.”

Fix took the money out of Super #SJW Man’s hand and let him go. He took a step back and said, “Both of you lift up your shirts. Quick!”

They both lifted their shirts. Fix glanced quickly at their waistbands, patted their pockets, and then nodded. “You good,” he said. “Just gotta be safe.”

“That’s cool,” said Super #SJW Man.

The two superheroes let their shirts fall.

“You kids say you want to meet Myrna?” asked Fix.

The superheroes nodded. After a brief pause, Super #SJW Man said, “We’re looking for someone who is into politics and who is also intersectional.”

Fix looked sideways at the superheroes. “Come again?” he said. “Intersection who?”

“Intersectional,” said Captain Wokeness. “You know, someone who is black or Hispanic and who is also a woman or gay or trans.”

Fix nodded and grinned. “Myrna is just the gal for you. Go down to room 112 and knock on the door. She’ll show you a good time. When she opens the door, just tell her you been fixed up. She knows what to do.”

“Thanks, Mr. Fix!” exclaimed Super #SJW Man.

Fix shook his head and replied with a dismissive wave.

The two friends quickly found Room 112 and knocked hesitantly at the door. They paused to listen, but there was only silence. They knocked again and were about to walk away when they heard a raspy, nasally voice call out, “Who is it?”

“I’m Super #SJW Man, and this is my partner, Captain Wokeness. Together, we are Team Woke!”

“I don’t know anyone by that name,” said the voice.

Captain Wokeness held up a finger and moved closer to the door. “We’ve been fixed up,” he said.

Suddenly, the door was unlocked and thrown open. Myrna looked like a ghost in the darkness. She was rail-thin, yet her breasts were cartoonishly big. Her skin was sickly pale, and her dark eyes looked glassy and unfocussed.  She wore heavy makeup and a wig of long blond hair, which was dirty and matted. She stared blankly at them.

“Are you Myrna?” asked Super #SJW Man.

The woman nodded and said, “Well, don’t just stand there. Come on in.”

The two superheroes followed her into the dark room. She turned on a lamp on the nightstand, which gave a little light, but not much.

“You guys want to get high first?” she asked.

“Well, actually, we are members of Team Woke,” said Super #SJW Man. “We are leading a progressive political movement that we are starting —“

Myrna held up her hand, shook her head, and said, “Honey, please. Let’s not discuss politics till I get good and stoned. You guys smoke?”

“Every day!” shouted Captain Woke.

Myrna opened the drawer in the nightstand, shuffled around inside the drawer for a moment, and finally pulled out a clear glass pipe. She held it to her lips and inhaled deeply while she applied a flame to the bowl.

Both the superheroes eyes widened, as they smelled a sweet chemical aroma that smelled nothing at all like marijuana. She held the pipe and lighter out for one of them to take, but they just stared at the pipe and looked at each other in dismay.

“Um, miss, I thought you meant weed,” said Super #SJW Man.

“You got some?” she asked.

“I do,” said Captain Woke, as he pulled a thin joint out of his wallet.

She giggled and replied, “Why don’t you guys start on that while I finish this. You need me to light it for you?”

Captain Woke shook his head as he pulled a book of matches out of his pocket. He lit the joint and took a deep drag.

Myrna put her pipe down and held out her hand, for Captain Wokeness to pass her the joint. As he gave it to her, she blew out a cloud of smoke into his face.

“Is that crack?” he asked.

“You got a problem with that?” she demanded.

“Not at all,” he said, shaking his head and smiling.

“Well, while you’re smoking, perhaps I can tell you about our mission,” said Super #SJW Man. “Are you oppressed? Are you—”

“Am I oppressed?” Myrna asked, with a confused look.

“Well, it’s a rhetorical question,” replied Super #SJW Man. “It’s part of our introduction.”

“Oh,” she said. She inhaled slowly on the joint.

“Are you oppressed?” Super #SJW Man continued. “Are you suffering from poverty and injustice? Have no fear; Team Woke is here! Wherever there is patriarchy or white supremacy or Western imperialism, Team Woke is ready to fight the power and help the poor and marginalized—”

He paused. Myra was laughing. “You guys are too much!” she said, doubling over and sliding to the floor.

“But these times demand action!” said Super #SJW Man. “The top 0.1% own as much as the bottom 90%. Under Trump, hate crimes have increased against blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, and the LGBTQ community. Rates of sexual assault have increased as well. Reproductive freedoms are being undermined. Women earn only 80 cents for every dollar a man earns.”

“Are you talking about white men or black men?” Myra asked.

“All men,” said Super #SJW Man.

“What it is for black men compared to women?” she asked. “Or black women compared to white women?”

“That’s a good question,” said Super #SJW Man. “And undoubtedly the actual statistics are alarming, and that is all the more reason for people to join our movement and fight the power. Votes equal strength in our system.”

“You need to take a hit of this dank before it’s all gone,” said Myrna. She held out the joint to Super #SJW Man, who took it and inhaled a couple of puffs.

Myrna went over to Captain Wokeness and sat down on his lap. “I wanna see what you look like without that costume on,” she said. “See if you really a man of steel.”

Captain Wokeness grinned, looked at Super #SJW Man, put his finger to his lips, and made a “sh” sound.

“What?” asked Myrna, glancing back at Super #SJW Man.

“He’s got a girlfriend,” said Super #SJW Man. “He doesn’t want me to tell.”

“Ahhh,” murmured Myrna. “You don’t want your girlfriend to know if you get naughty with a cute Puerto Rican girl. Is that it?”

Captain Wokeness nodded and winked. Myrna snuggled against him and slowly removed his clothing, one piece at a time.

Meanwhile, Super #SJW Man continued explaining their political aspirations to her. “We are looking for intersectional members from historically oppressed minorities to lend credibility and authenticity to our movement. Right now, we have a Director of Outreach for the African-American community, named Eric B. Rakim. He’s leading a recruitment drive not far from here. We were hoping that you might be willing to join our movement and assist in recruiting other poor and oppressed minorities.”

Myrna didn’t appear to be listening to him. Neither did Captain Wokeness. He was leaning back in the chair. She was kneeling on the floor in front of him, and her head was bobbing up and down vigorously over his lap. Super #SJW Man eyes widened briefly, but he quickly averted his eyes and moved away. He stared at the wall and continued talking about their movement and its objectives.

“Now it’s your turn,” Myrna said.

“No, that’s okay,” said Super #SJW Man.

But then, realizing that she was not talking to him, he looked over his shoulder and saw that now Myrna and Captain Wokeness had traded places. She was in the chair, and he was kneeling on the floor. Suddenly, his head began bobbing up and down over her lap.

“Oh my,” muttered Super #SJW Man, before quickly clapping his hand over his mouth. He turned away from them and began reading Mother Jones articles on his phone.

“Listen to this,” he said, to no one in particular. “The Southern Poverty Law Center has added the editorial staff of The Wall Street Journal to their watch list as a hate group.”

“Smoke another joint, Super Justice Man, or whatever your name is!” yelled Myrna. “You’re too uptight with all that political bullshit.”

“No more for me,” replied Super #SJW Man. “I’ve got to stay focused on our mission. Every day, the patriarchy gets stronger, and white nationalism becomes more mainstream. We’ve got to be clear-headed, so we can fight back!”

The next few minutes seemed like an eternity to Super #SJW Man. His friend and Myrna moved from oral sex to going doggystyle, with each of them taking a turn being the one in back. Eventually, they collapsed on top of each other in a sweaty mess.

Finally, Captain Wokeness stood up and said, “You ready to go?” He started to put his clothes back on slowly. Myrna’s make-up was smeared all over him.

“Hell no, he ain’t ready to go,” said Myrna. She got up and walked over to Super #SJW Man and gently pulled him down onto the bed. “Let’s 69!”

Super #SJW Man became tense and looked at Captain Wokeness, as if expecting him to intervene.

“I’ll take care of you, while you take care of him,” said Captain Wokeness, as he beckoned Super #SJW Man to move over.

“Sounds good,” said Myrna. She unbuttoned Super #SJW Man’s pants and began unzipping his fly.

“We don’t have to do this,” said Super #SJW Man, putting his hand on Myrna’s to stop her.

She smiled and said, playfully, “I’ll take it out by force if I have to.”

“You’re not trans-phobic, are you?” asked Captain Wokeness.

“Um, no, of course not!” replied Super #SJW Man, in a defensive tone. “I love and respect all transgender and non-binary people.”

“Then what do you have against having oral sex with a trans woman?” pressed Captain Wokeness. “If she was a cisgender woman, you’d let her do it, so why not let a trans woman suck your dick?”

“Well, it’s not like that!” Super #SJW Man shot back. “I, uh, I just have never had — um, I’ve never been intimate with – you know. I…”

“You’re a virgin?” asked Myrna, with an amused grin.

“Um, yeah,” said Super #SJW Man, averting his eyes.

“Really?” asked Captain Wokeness. “You and Lydia never had sex?”

Super #SJW Man shook his head. “She never wanted to, and I didn’t want to press her on it.”

“And none of your previous girlfriends did, either?” continued Captain Wokeness, looking amazed.

“Well, Lydia was my first girlfriend.”

“No kidding!” said Captain Wokeness. “Well, now’s as good a time as any! You’re not going to be transphobic and insist on getting your first blow job from a cisgender woman, are you?”

“No, of course not!” said Super #SJW Man. “Well, I don’t want to do that now, but it’s nothing against Myrna. I do not feel any differently about transgender than I do about cisgender. Absolutely, they are completely the same in my eyes.”

“Prove it!” exclaimed Captain Wokeness. “Let her give you head, so that we know you’re not prejudiced against trans women.”

“Well, uh, I’m not prejudiced, but I…”

“Prove it!” yelled Captain Wokeness. “I think you are! You got to get over that. If you won’t let a trans woman go down on you, then you are prejudiced against trans women. And if that’s the case, then you will need to resign immediately from Team Woke!”

Super #SJW Man was blushing badly and stammering incoherently.

“He’s just nervous because he’s a virgin,” said Myrna. She picked up Super #SJW Man’s hands and held them, while giving him a reassuring smile.

“Um, that’s more or less correct,” said Super #SJW Man.

“You’ll be ready someday, but not now,” she continued. “I understand. No need to let anybody pressure you into doing anything you’re not ready to do.”

“Thanks!” said Super #SJW Man, as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and gave him a gentle hug. 

“So will you join our movement, Myrna?” begged Super #SJW Man. “We need more diversity, and you are very intersectional.”

“What’s this about intersections?” asked Myrna.

“By ‘intersectional,’ I mean that your identity crosses multiple minority categories across the racial, ethnic, religious, gender, and sexual orientation spectrums. In your case, you are a trans woman who, I am told, is half black and half Asian?”

“No,” said Myrna. “I’m half Puerto Rican.”

“Well, that is even better!” replied Super #SJW Man. “We value diversity, and in addition to being a woman and a member of the LGBTQ community, you are also representing Hispanic Americans, from whom this continent was stolen.”

She rolled her eyes and groaned. “Oh my Gawd,” she said. “You are too crazy.”

Super #SJW Man nodded. Captain Wokeness, who had finished getting dressed, walked over to his friend, laughed, and with an exaggerated motion, put his hand over Super #SJW Man’s mouth.

“Myrna’s down for the cause,” Captain Wokeness said. “Right Myrna?” He turned around and winked at her.

“I’m down with you any time,” she said. She stood up and ran her fingers through Captain Wokeness’s hair. “You down for me, boo?”

“You know it!” replied Captain Wokeness. He put his arm around Myrna’s waist and pulled her towards him.

Super #SJW Man stood up. “Fantastic!” he exclaimed. “Congratulations to our newest member, Myrna! As team president, I hereby appoint you as Director of LGBTQ Outreach for Team Woke!”

“Team president?” asked Captain Wokeness. “What is my title?”

“You are my deputy minister of wokeness,” replied Super #SJW Man.

“Okay, but why can’t I be co-president?” Captain Wokeness asked. “Or at least CEO.”

“Okay, you are CEO of Team Woke,” said Super #SJW Man.

“I’m CEO, and you’re President?”

“Yes,” said Super #SJW Man, giving his friend two thumbs up.

“Awesome!” yelled Captain Wokeness.

“What did you say I am?” asked Myrna.

“You are Director of LGBTQ outreach,” said Super #SJW Man.

Myrna nodded and replied, “I like the sound of that. What do I got to do for my job duties?”

“You recruit other LQBTQ members for Team Woke, and you also advise the other team leadership about matters of concern to the LGBTQ community,” said Super #SJW Man.

“And what does Team Woke do again?” Myrna asked.

“Team Woke is a progressive advocacy group,” said Super #SJW Man. “We fight for the rights of the poor, oppressed, and marginalized. We fight to dismantle the Western imperialist, white supremacist, misogynistic, patriarchal system in America and throughout the world, and we seek to build an inclusive, non-judgmental, tolerant, progressive society. We strive —”

Myrna held up her hand and interrupted, “I got it. Sounds good, honey. What kinds of benefits do members get? Do we have any parties?”

“Sure!” replied Super #SJW Man.

“You gonna invite me to your house for a party?” Myrna asked. “I’ll invite lots of people.”

“Most definitely,” said Captain Wokeness. “What’s your number?”

Myrna gave the superheroes her number. Captain Wokeness sent her a text and said, “Now you got my digits. Call me anytime, babe.”

“You got it, big boy!” said Myrna, as she walked them to the door. Before opening the door, she gave Captain Wokeness a quick hug, and he kissed her on the cheek, grabbing her ass as he did. “I’m going to call you tomorrow, sweetie,” she added.

As they walked back to Captain Wokeness’s car, Super #SJW Man said, “I wonder how Eric is coming along with his recruitment drive? We probably have a few dozen members by now. Our movement is really taking shape.”

“Hell yeah!” yelled Captain Wokeness. “Let’s get back to the Milk and Honey Pub!”

“Great idea!” agreed Super #SJW Man. “Maybe we can recruit some more members there, and we can plan a march or a protest or something!”

[Up Next: Chapter 9, in which Team Woke Boycotts the Mall for Having Separate Clothing Sections for Men and Women. Or return to the Table of Contents.]