Super #SJW Man Chapter 9
TEAM WOKE BOYCOTTS THE MALL FOR HAVING SEPARATE CLOTHING SECTIONS FOR MEN AND WOMEN
[These Super #SJW Man posts are chapters from a book originally published in 2019. For the table of contents and introduction, click here. The previous post was Chapter 8, in which Team Woke Allies with the LGBTQ+ Movement]
The next morning, Super #SJW Man rolled out of bed and leaped to his feet. It had been a long time since he had felt this joyful and energetic.
He picked up his phone and tried to call Captain Wokeness. It went straight to voicemail. He shook his head. His teammate had really overdone it last night at the pub and was probably suffering through a major hangover.
He stared out the window and thought for a minute. In a sudden fit of inspiration, he hurriedly tapped out a text message, which he sent to Captain Wokeness, Myrna, and Eric. The message read, “Protest today at City Point Mall! Gender inequality! Meet at food court. 1pm sharp!”
About an hour later, Captain Wokeness texted back, “B there @3 w/ Myrna.”
He did not get a response from Eric. Feeling concerned, he called the number Eric had provided. After several rings, a gruff voice answered and said, “Sal’s Pizza.”
“Hi, Eric?” stammered Super #SJW Man.
“No, this is Mookie,” the voice replied.
“Hi Mookie, can I speak to Eric please?”
“Ain’t nobody here by that name,” the voice replied.
“Sorry, wrong number,” said Super #SJW Man. He hung up and tossed the phone onto his bed. He shook his head, put his head in his hands, and shook his head again. “I’ve been had,” he moaned. “I’ve been duped.”
He got dressed and walked down the block to a nearby coffee shop, The Lefty Latte.
As he stepped inside, he was met by the seductive aroma of rich, freshly brewed coffee. He smiled and waved when he saw Priscilla, Captain Wokeness’s girlfriend, working behind the counter. Priscilla was a skinny, androgynous white girl with a big smile, short, spiky hair, and lots of piercings all over her face and body.
“Hey Marshall, have you seen Baron?” she asked, unaware that Marshall and Baron were now operating under the names “Super #SJW Man” and “Captain Wokeness,” respectively.
“Not since yesterday,” Super #SJW Man replied. “He stayed late at the Milk and Honey. I imagine he’s pretty hung over today.”
She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Typical,” she said. “What are you having?”
“Give me a soy-milk supremo ghiacciata mocha,” he said. “And a vegan croissant.”
“That’ll be sixteen dollars,” she said.
He gave her a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Keep the change.”
“Thanks! You can take a seat and I’ll have that right out to you.”
Super #SJW Man sat down in a soft and well-worn armchair in the back corner of the coffee shop. He looked through the papers and magazines on the nearby table and began to read The Weekly Progressive.
“Anything interesting in there?” asked Priscilla, as she placed his coffee and croissant on the table.
He shook his head. “Just the usual. The Republicans are screwing everyone over. Trying to destroy our democracy with their populist nonsense.”
“Republicans,” she muttered curtly, before pretending to gag herself.
Super #SJW Man nodded. “Hey, Priscilla, I don’t know if Baron told you this already, but he and I have started a new political movement.”
“Really?” she said, her eyes growing wide with surprise and excitement. “Baron started a political movement?”
“Yeah, it’s called ‘Team Woke.’ My name is ‘Super #SJW Man,’ and I’m the team president. Baron is ‘Captain Wokeness,’ and he’s the CEO. You should see our superhero costumes!”
“Baron is calling himself ‘Captain Wokeness?’ What did you say your team name was?”
“Team Woke!” exclaimed Super #SJW Man. “In fact, we’re having a protest today at the City Point Mall. We’re protesting violence against women and LGBTQ customers.”
“Really? Someone was attacked?”
“All women and LGBTQ people are attacked, every day that the mall is open!”
“What are you talking about?” asked Priscilla, looking sideways at Super #SJW Man. “Who’s conducting these attacks?”
“The mall is!” replied Super #SJW Man, nodding. “The mall is controlled by Nazis!”
“Are you on acid or something?” she whispered. “You can’t be serious.”
“Completely serious,” retorted Super #SJW Man. “The mall is an unsafe space for cisgender females and transgender men and women. The mall allows men and women to be arbitrarily sectioned off from each other and separated according to Western cultural norms.”
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