Super #SJW Man Chapter 9
TEAM WOKE BOYCOTTS THE MALL FOR HAVING SEPARATE CLOTHING SECTIONS FOR MEN AND WOMEN
[These Super #SJW Man posts are chapters from a book originally published in 2019. For the table of contents and introduction, click here. The previous post was Chapter 8, in which Team Woke Allies with the LGBTQ+ Movement]
The next morning, Super #SJW Man rolled out of bed and leaped to his feet. It had been a long time since he had felt this joyful and energetic.
He picked up his phone and tried to call Captain Wokeness. It went straight to voicemail. He shook his head. His teammate had really overdone it last night at the pub and was probably suffering through a major hangover.
He stared out the window and thought for a minute. In a sudden fit of inspiration, he hurriedly tapped out a text message, which he sent to Captain Wokeness, Myrna, and Eric. The message read, “Protest today at City Point Mall! Gender inequality! Meet at food court. 1pm sharp!”
About an hour later, Captain Wokeness texted back, “B there @3 w/ Myrna.”
He did not get a response from Eric. Feeling concerned, he called the number Eric had provided. After several rings, a gruff voice answered and said, “Sal’s Pizza.”
“Hi, Eric?” stammered Super #SJW Man.
“No, this is Mookie,” the voice replied.
“Hi Mookie, can I speak to Eric please?”
“Ain’t nobody here by that name,” the voice replied.
“Sorry, wrong number,” said Super #SJW Man. He hung up and tossed the phone onto his bed. He shook his head, put his head in his hands, and shook his head again. “I’ve been had,” he moaned. “I’ve been duped.”
He got dressed and walked down the block to a nearby coffee shop, The Lefty Latte.
As he stepped inside, he was met by the seductive aroma of rich, freshly brewed coffee. He smiled and waved when he saw Priscilla, Captain Wokeness’s girlfriend, working behind the counter. Priscilla was a skinny, androgynous white girl with a big smile, short, spiky hair, and lots of piercings all over her face and body.
“Hey Marshall, have you seen Baron?” she asked, unaware that Marshall and Baron were now operating under the names “Super #SJW Man” and “Captain Wokeness,” respectively.
“Not since yesterday,” Super #SJW Man replied. “He stayed late at the Milk and Honey. I imagine he’s pretty hung over today.”
She shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Typical,” she said. “What are you having?”
“Give me a soy-milk supremo ghiacciata mocha,” he said. “And a vegan croissant.”
“That’ll be sixteen dollars,” she said.
He gave her a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Keep the change.”
“Thanks! You can take a seat and I’ll have that right out to you.”
Super #SJW Man sat down in a soft and well-worn armchair in the back corner of the coffee shop. He looked through the papers and magazines on the nearby table and began to read The Weekly Progressive.
“Anything interesting in there?” asked Priscilla, as she placed his coffee and croissant on the table.
He shook his head. “Just the usual. The Republicans are screwing everyone over. Trying to destroy our democracy with their populist nonsense.”
“Republicans,” she muttered curtly, before pretending to gag herself.
Super #SJW Man nodded. “Hey, Priscilla, I don’t know if Baron told you this already, but he and I have started a new political movement.”
“Really?” she said, her eyes growing wide with surprise and excitement. “Baron started a political movement?”
“Yeah, it’s called ‘Team Woke.’ My name is ‘Super #SJW Man,’ and I’m the team president. Baron is ‘Captain Wokeness,’ and he’s the CEO. You should see our superhero costumes!”
“Baron is calling himself ‘Captain Wokeness?’ What did you say your team name was?”
“Team Woke!” exclaimed Super #SJW Man. “In fact, we’re having a protest today at the City Point Mall. We’re protesting violence against women and LGBTQ customers.”
“Really? Someone was attacked?”
“All women and LGBTQ people are attacked, every day that the mall is open!”
“What are you talking about?” asked Priscilla, looking sideways at Super #SJW Man. “Who’s conducting these attacks?”
“The mall is!” replied Super #SJW Man, nodding. “The mall is controlled by Nazis!”
“Are you on acid or something?” she whispered. “You can’t be serious.”
“Completely serious,” retorted Super #SJW Man. “The mall is an unsafe space for cisgender females and transgender men and women. The mall allows men and women to be arbitrarily sectioned off from each other and separated according to Western cultural norms.”
“Are you talking about their bathrooms?” asked Priscilla.
“That too!” cried Super #SJW Man. “But in addition to the bathrooms, they have clothing sections that are separated by gender. They have men’s clothing and women’s clothing, and they SEPARATE them, just like they did with whites and blacks during Jim Crow! Who do these store managers think they are, for them to decide preemptively what is for men and what is for women?”
Priscilla frowned. “Baron is doing this with you?”
Super #SJW Man nodded. “But he’s not ‘Baron’ anymore. He’s ‘Captain Wokeness.’”
“You guys are out of your minds,” she replied. “Please have Baron call me if you see him. His phone was just going straight to voicemail when I called this morning.”
“You want to join in our protest?” asked Super #SJW Man. “We’re meeting at the mall food court at three. Baron said he will be there.”
“Well, I’ll come and watch,” she said. “I’m not joining in the protest, though.”
“No worries!” said Super #SJW Man, with a cheerful smile. “See for yourself the difference we are able to make by standing up to the patriarchal, white supremacist, cisgender system!”
“Okay,” she said over her shoulder, as she walked back to the counter. “I’m not holding my breath, though.”
Super #SJW Man finished his coffee and decided to take his croissant back home. On his way outside, he paused at the counter and yelled to Priscilla, who was making another customer’s coffee, “Don’t forget: food court of the City Point Mall at three!”
After he got home, he tried to call Captain Wokeness and Myrna again. Both of their phones went straight to voicemail.
He got dressed in his superhero costume and checked the clock. It was 7:45am.
To pass the time, he checked his Twitter feed. He smiled when he saw that their tweets about Ben Shapiro had been liked and retweeted by some of his favorite progressive bloggers and podcasters.
He scrolled through Sam Harris’s tweets from the previous ten years, looking for something to get offended about. He found one of Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s statements, which Harris had retweeted, and decided to call out both Harris and Ali for that. He spent the next hour tweeting about how both Harris and Ali were white supremacist Nazis.
“I can’t believe how backwards these people are!” he said, shutting his laptop.
He looked at the clock again. 8:20. It was going to be a long morning. He decided to go back to sleep.
His alarm woke him back up at 12:30. He rolled over, smacked his alarm, and jumped out of bed.
“Big day!” he yelled at the window. “First, I’ll do a blog post, and then I’ll go to the mall for the big protest! I’m so pumped, I’m about to blow up!”
He worked on an article for his blog for the next forty-five minutes. He decided to write about Team Woke and its planned protest at the mall that afternoon. He found a stock photo of police arresting protesters in Hong Kong and decided to use that as the header for his article. Like the Hong Kong protesters, Team Woke was going to be fearless! (But unlike the Hong Kong protesters, Team Woke was fighting against the fascists and on the side of democracy and the rules-based international order!)
He sent out a couple of tweets about the article and about the upcoming protest. He texted a reminder to Captain Wokeness, Myrna, and Priscilla. He put his phone in his pocket and marched somberly to the mirror. After making a few small adjustments to his uniform, he skipped outside and set out on his journey to the mall.
He stopped by the corner store and bought a few posters and a pack of markers. He looked for a bullhorn, but unable to find one, he settled on a small karaoke machine for children, which included a microphone and a speaker.
He got to the mall’s food court twenty minutes early. He looked longingly at the Starbucks, but decided not to buy anything, since he was protesting the mall itself. He sat down at an empty table and began working on some signs.
Priscilla arrived a couple minutes before three. She started giggling when she saw his costume and the signs. “You can’t be serious,” she said, holding her hand over her mouth.
“I am!” retorted Super #SJW Man. “Team Woke is very serious!”
She shook her head. “I’m going to get something from Starbucks. You want anything?”
“Nope,” replied Super #SJW Man. “I’m not spending any of my hard-earned money in this fascist dump.”
“Hard-earned money?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “I heard that you’ve never had a real job in your life.”
“Well, I’ve rarely worked as an employee,” he said, defensively. “I have worked as a freelance journalist for several years, though.”
“And that’s how you get your money?” she asked.
“Well, not entirely,” he replied.
“You inherited a bunch of money from your family, right?” she continued.
“Well, relatively speaking, I wouldn’t consider it a lot of money –”
She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “I don’t care, one way or the other. I was just commenting on what you said about it being ‘hard-earned’ money. That’s all.”
“It’s all good,” he said, with a conciliatory smile.
She walked to the Starbucks, and Super #SJW Man continued working on the signs.
A minute later, he was interrupted by excited shouts from Captain Wokeness, who was walking towards the table, hand-in-hand with Myrna. Both of them were still wearing the same clothes they’d worn the night before. Their eyes were bloodshot, and their noses were red.
“Fight the power!” yelled Super #SJW Man, raising a fist, with all the attitude of Chuck D and Public Enemy — well, some portion of that attitude (a very small portion, actually).
“Fight the powers that be!” replied Captain Wokeness.
The two other members of Team Woke sat down at the table and began looking through the signs.
“You are too crazy!” said Myrna. She put her arms around Captain Wokeness and leaned towards him. “Which sign are you going to hold, boo?”
Captain Wokeness put his hand on her thigh and said, “Let’s protest gender inequality by having sex on this table. Fuck ‘em!”
“Oooh!” crooned Myrna. “You being a bad boy! I like that!”
“What the hell?!” shouted Priscilla, who had just returned with her coffee. “Baron, who the fuck is this fucking skank?”
“What the fuck you mean, who is this skank?” demanded Myrna. “You better watch how you talk to me, little heifer.”
Captain Wokeness smiled sheepishly, put his arm around Myrna, and shrugged. “I meant to tell you, babe, that we are through. You don’t understand me. I need a woman who gets me. And yesterday afternoon, I met this sexy lady, who will do all the things you’re too stuck up to do.”
Priscilla glared silently for a moment. Then, she threw her coffee cup at Captain Wokeness, hitting him on the top of his head. The cup exploded, and hot coffee went everywhere, but mostly onto Captain Wokeness and Myrna.
“You fucking white bitch!” shouted Myrna, jumping to her feet. “I’m gonna whup yo little ho ass!”
As Captain Wokeness restrained Myrna, he said, “You better get out of here, Priscilla. I’m sorry. I meant to tell you sooner, but I’m gay. Myrna is the love of my life.”
“Hold up!” shouted Myrna. “You gay? What, you calling me a dude? Fuck you too!”
By now, a crowd had gathered around the rapidly dissolving Team Woke.
“Fight, fight, fight!” someone began shouting.
“You can have yo gay-ass boyfriend back, bitch!” yelled Myrna.
Priscilla had already gotten almost out of earshot. If she heard Myrna at all, she just ignored her and kept walking.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” said Captain Wokeness. “What I meant is, I feel like I’m really a woman, but I’m a lesbian, because I’m so attracted to you, sweetheart.”
The anger in Myrna’s face melted away and she cooed, “Awww, I’m sorry I misjudged you honey. You can be who you are with me, baby.”
Captain Wokeness and Myrna embraced and began kissing.
Super #SJW Man jumped up on the table and held up a sign, which said, “Make the Mall Safe for Women! End the Separate Sections for Men’s and Women’s Clothing!”
He began to yell at the crowd of confused onlookers, “Boycott the mall, until they remove the separate sections for men and women and for boys and girls! It is sexist! It’s wrong! Separate is not equal!”
“You recording this shit?!” someone asked.
“Hell yeah,” someone answered. “This shit gonna make my YouTube channel pop!”
Super #SJW Man was glad the audience was recording him and promising to give him free publicity. He beckoned to Captain Wokeness and Myrna, but they were too busy necking.
Suddenly, the table gave way beneath him, and he fell on top of Captain Wokeness and Myrna, knocking them to the floor.
“Let’s have a threesome right here!” yelled Myrna, putting her hand down Super #SJW Man’s pants. “That’ll be a great protest against this fucking mall.”
Super #SJW Man squirmed away and pulled her hand out of his pants.
“Don’t be shy,” she said.
“Man, this shit is too crazy,” said someone behind them.
“Where the hell is the mall security?” asked someone else.
“I’m calling the cops,” said another. “The mall is a place for children, not perverts.”
“Why you looking then?” demanded Myrna. “If it grosses you out, take your ass somewhere else?”
“Break it up!” yelled someone, running towards them.
They looked up to see trio of mall security guards.
“What the hell’s going on here?” one of the security guards demanded.
Another security guard picked up his radio and called out, “Get me a police officer to the food court. We got a fight of some sort. They broke a table.”
The crowd began to back away, and when a police officer arrived, the crowd quickly dispersed.
“What’s going on here?” demanded the policeman. “You said there’s a fight?”
“These three down here!” yelled the guard with the radio.
“What are you little punks doing?” asked the cop.
“He started it,” said Myrna, pointing at Super #SJW Man. “He broke the table. He’s crazy. Look at all those signs he made.”
The officer picked up the signs. “What is this, some kind of a protest?”
“I don’t know what it is, officer,” said Myrna.
“He called us and said he was protesting against the mall,” said Captain Wokeness. “We were worried about him, so we came. He’s off his meds.”
Myrna nodded and added, “We tried to get him to calm down, but then he started throwing things. He threw coffee on us, and then he broke that table.”
The officer shook his head. “You three got ID’s?”
“No sir,” said Myrna.
Super #SJW Man pulled out his driver license and handed it to the officer. Captain Wokeness slowly rummaged through his pockets.
“What’s your name?” asked the officer, turning to Myrna. “And why don’t you have any ID?”
“When I changed purses, I left my wallet with my ID and credit cards at home,” she replied.
“Open your purse, please,” the officer said.
“Sure,” she said. She opened her purse slightly and stuck her hand inside.
“Open it up and keep your hand out of the purse!” yelled the officer. “Keep your hands where I can see them!”
“Sorry, officer,” she said. “My ID was in here after all. Here it is.”
Suddenly, Myrna threw a pack of tissue at the officer’s face and took off running.
The officer batted away the tissue. He started chasing Myrna, but after seeing that she was a fast runner and had gotten a head start, he grabbed his radio and called for assistance instead.
While the officer was distracted with Myrna, Captain Wokeness took off running in the opposite direction.
Meanwhile, Super #SJW Man stood motionless in the middle of the confusion and chaos, looking dazed and confused.
The officer turned around and pointed at Super #SJW Man. “Okay, hooligan, come with me.”
Super #SJW Man didn’t respond. He just kept staring vacantly into the distance.
“You on drugs or something?” asked the cop. “Hello? Anybody home?”
The officer approached the superhero from the side. “Put your hands on your head,” he ordered.
Without waiting for Super #SJW Man to respond, the officer grabbed the superhero’s right arm and twisted it behind his back.
“Give me your other hand,” ordered the officer, as he snatched the superhero’s left hand. After putting handcuffs on Super #SJW Man, the cop patted him down.
“Alright, come with me,” barked the policeman, pushing Super #SJW Man forward by the shoulder, while also maintaining a joint lock on the superhero’s right hand.
[Up Next: Chapter 10, in which Team Woke Goes up in Flames. Or return to the Table of Contents.]
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I am looking forward to the publication of this title as a coffee-table book.