Beware the Ides, B*tch!
And now for something completely ridiculous: some modest praise for Netflix's stunning and brave reimagination of William Shakespeare's "Julius Caesar"
Hopefully you’ve all had a chance to enjoy Beware the Ides, Bitch! on Netflix. It’s loosely based on Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, but totally reimagined with modern audiences in mind. DJ Scratch-Off1 stars as the super-diverse Roman leader who, according to his rival Cassius, “Do bestride the narrow world like a Pimp and a Playa Playa from da Muthafuckin Himalayas!” Let me tell you, this movie lives up to all the hype.
I haven’t subscribed to Netflix for a long time, so I found out about this postmodern masterpiece indirectly. I was getting pizza at a fast-food restaurant — which I won’t name, except to say that it is, ironically enough, also named after Julius Caesar2 — and while I was giving my order to the cashier, his phone rang. As he rang up my order with one hand, he held his phone to his ear with the other and shouted, “Beware the Ides, Bitch!” I thought something was about to go down, but then he started laughing good naturedly. I exchanged awkward glances with another customer, who shrugged and said, “Maybe he’s practicing his lines for a high school play?” I didn’t think much else about it until, as I was leaving the restaurant with my pizza, I overheard another young man in the parking lot answer his phone exactly the same way: “Beware the Ides, Bitch!” before also laughing lightheartedly. Curious, I did a little research and soon learned about the Netflix movie, Beware the Ides, Bitch!, whose title has become a fun catchphrase among America’s youth.
This movie has proven to be especially popular among high schoolers. In fact, many of America’s English teachers are now having their classes watch Beware the Ides, Bitch!, rather than read Shakespeare’s original play. Apparently, old Shakespeare is, to borrow a line from New York’s attorney general, Letitia James, “too male, too pale, and too stale!”
DJ Scratch-Off gives an epic performance as Julius Caesar. Apparently, he kept forgetting his lines, so he would just start free-styling. The rest of the cast played along, so the movie feels very natural and totally unrehearsed. During the assassination scene, for example, DJ Scratch-Off forgot that he was supposed to get stabbed to death. “Yo, I thought we was doin like Michael Jackson in that video Beat It,” recounted Scratch-Off. “So I was like, sheeet, I’ma beat it! Just like Mike! So I starts dancin around, moonwalking and kung fu fightin, and then everybody else just goes with it. And before you know it, we was like passin a blunt around and somebody starts blastin some reggae beat from they chariot speakers, and I was like, sheeet, ancient Rome ain’t that bad! I feel like I coulda been a real good Caesar.”
This version of Julius Caesar is much more inspiring than the original. Caesar survives the assassination attempt, due to his dancing abilities and his skills on the mic. He then leads Rome on a mission of “cooperation, not colonization.” The Romans form a partnership with Wakanda, but instead of stealing Africa’s superior technology, the Romans help them develop it further and share it with the entire world.
Best of all, Beware the Ides, Bitch! provides viewers with an historically accurate depiction of the demographics and culture of ancient Rome. “We spent at least a couple hours researching that era on Google’s Gemini AI program,” director Jumessikka Jones (they/them) noted in a recent interview. “Watching our movie is basically like getting into a time machine and seeing ancient Rome for yourself.”
Take it from me, you will be amazed at how historically accurate Beware the Ides, Bitch! is. Here’s a clip from the movie that shows Roman Senators engaged in spirited debate about animal noises in the coliseum (among other things):
Not to be outdone by Netflix, the Royal Shakespeare Company (RSC) has sought to match the historical accuracy of Beware the Ides, Bitch! by increasing the stunningness and bravery of its own production of Julius Caesar, as you can see from the still shot below taken from the RSC website:
I’ll just leave you with this quote from the movie, stunningly and bravely delivered by Julius Caesar (DJ Scratch-Off) to the would-be assassins after they put away their daggers:
Yo, instead of hatin, y’all should be celebratin! Cuz when I does good, we all do betta! Instead of conquerin and colonizin, we should be collaboratin and cohabitatin! Instead of stabbin each other in the back, like crabs in a barrel, we should be smokin that wang wang an tappin on some pootang! Ya heard me?
What an inspiring message for the rising generation! So if you happen to overhear a young person greet a friend by saying, “Beware the Ides, Bitch!,” feel free to encourage this youthful expression of positivity by offering to join them in “smokin that wang wang an tappin on some pootang.” And be sure to watch Beware the Ides, Bitch!3 as soon as you can on Netflix!
In addition to his acting, DJ Scratch-Off is also known for his 2022 trap hit “I Be Yo Mama Ooga Booga Mane, So Jus Call Me Big Poppa, Ho!”
Apparently, “Little Caesar” was the derisive nickname given to Julius by his ex-wife Pompeia, who was jealous and bitter that he had left her for Calpurnia. According to Calpurnia, however, the nickname was completely inaccurate, and he was actually “Larger-than-Average Caesar.”
If you enjoy movies like Netflix’s Beware the Ides, Bitch!, you should totally check out Disney’s Girl Boss Red Riding Hood:
Girl Boss Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time there was a girl boss named Red Riding Hood. Though she was only ten years old, she had the confidence and competence of several adults at once — I say “several” because there were no adults in all the world who could singlehandedly match Red Riding Hood in even one of the many disciplines that she had perfectly mastered, let alone all of them. It would take an army of prolific adult specialists, each with many decades of training and experience in her respective domain, working together to match the skills possessed by this one precocious girl.
Ryan Gosling needs to portray Shaka Zulu in a remake of “Zulu” and “Zulu Dawn”.
AYO Brutus you wanna hit this thing?