Antiracist Grass Watering

Dr Ibram X Kendi's political philosophy yields explosive results in Hawaii

Okay, folks I was wrong about the recent Hawaiian fires. They weren’t caused by climate change, acts of God, or even murderous banksters trying to push proles off their land in order to buy it in a “fire sale” for pennies on the dollar. No, these fires were the result of white supremacy. (Allow me to explain . . .)

A child engaging in the racist practice of grass-watering (Photo by Steve DiMatteo on Unsplash)

If WYPIPO (social media-speak for “honkies”) hadn’t been so supreme these past several centuries, there would have been no need for Dr. Ibram X. Kendi to promote his political philosophy of anti[white]racism. Thus, any and all harms attributable to Kendi’s anti[white]racism are ultimately caused by white supremacy. Heck, white supremacy is such a formidable force, that it can even make black police officers, in a majority-black city with a majority-black police department and a black police chief, murder innocent black men, as happened in Memphis recently with the police killing of Tyre Nichols; though everyone involved in the story was black, the ultimate villain was still white racism. Basically, if anything bad happens in the world, white people are to blame. Even if black people do it, it’s still whitey’s fault.

Anyway, Dr. Kendi had an epiphany about The Universe: everything that exists is either racist or antiracist. Period. Government institutions, cultural norms, the Andromeda Galaxy — everything is either racist or antiracist. There is no middle ground. To paraphrase George W. Bush, you’re either with Dr. Kendi, or you’re with the racists.

Now, if you’ve “done the work” like Robin DeAngelo, you know that the cultural norms upon which our civilization was built are actually all white supremacist: things like punctuality, professionalism, grammar, written language, rational thinking, etc. Well, here’s another relic of white supremacy to add to the list: grass watering.

Grass watering is racist. First of all, they don’t water grass in Africa. Or at least they didn’t until all those evil colonizers showed up. (And by “colonizers” I mean Europeans, because when Africans conquered and ruled over each other, it was called “having a great empire.”) But they do water the grass in Europe. And since all white people are racist (“racism” = prejudice + power, and all white people have power), and since black people cannot be racist (no black people have power, so they can be as prejudiced as they want without ever being racist), it follows that Europe is racist and Africa is antiracist. Thus, if grass-watering is a European custom, then grass-watering is necessarily racist.

And that brings me to Hawaii. A nice white lady named Gritchen McWhitemare had taken Robin DeAngelo’s training on white fragility and had begun to do the work. She attended a Race2Dinner banquet at a friend’s home (where wealthy white women pay a black woman and an Indian woman $2500 to lecture them about how racist they are). She had bought Ibram Kendi’s book How to Be an Antiracist and attempted to read it. It was too emotionally and intellectually challenging, so she read Antiracist Baby instead. One evening, as she was on the deck of her beachfront mansion (where she lived alone with her cats) reading Kendi’s book, the automatic lawn sprinklers came on and sprayed water on the pages of Antiracist Baby. All things are either racist or antiracist: Kendi’s book is antiracist; therefore, the water that damaged it must be racist! Eureka!

Gritchen moved to the side of her deck that was dry. She gazed across her private beach to the undulating ocean waves that would one day flood her property because of climate change, and she had an epiphany: the entire practice of grass-watering is racist!

Gritchen McWhitemare decided to put her antiracist ideals into action. She would engage in antiracist grass-watering. If giving grass water was racist, she would give grass the opposite of water: she would water the grass with gasoline.

So Ms. McWhitemare drove her electric vehicle to the gas station. She had no idea how to pump the gas or what kind of container to use. She found a nice brown-skinned man and gave him money to help her get some gasoline. He went inside the convenience store with her money and never came back. After several minutes, she went inside to look for him, but he had exited from the other side of the store and had disappeared with her money. So she asked another brown-skinned man to help her get some gas. He told her to eat some refried beans. She assumed, because he was brown-skinned rather than white, that he was not being rude or snarky; rather, he was passing along some ancient folk wisdom, so she thanked him profusely and blessed him in the name of the goddess. Finally, she called her gardener, who was also a brown-skinned man, and ordered him to come to the gas station to assist her. He told her there was already a can of gas in her shed. At first, she was angry with him for using fossil fuels on her property without her permission, but then she realized that this meant she already had the supplies she needed to do her antiracist grass watering.

At 7:35PM on August 7, 2023, Gritchen McWhitemare began dumping gasoline on a patch of grass at the edge of her property. She did a land acknowledgment ceremony before saying a prayer to Moto, the Wakandan god of arson. Then, at 7:39PM, she struck a match and dropped it onto the patch of grass, thereby sacrificing the grass as a burnt offering unto the cause of Kendian antiracism. Unfortunately, the winds were gusting mightily, and after consuming the small patch of Ms. McWhitemare’s lawn on the edge of her property, the fire quickly spread across the surrounding area. Fortunately, for Ms. McWhitemare, the automatic sprinklers in her yard kept the area around her house wet, so with the exception of the tiny patch of burned grass at the edge of her estate, her own property was mostly spared any damage. And now, because Ms. McWhitemare is the beneficiary of a large trust fund with Blackrock, she will benefit nicely from the redevelopment of the scorched earth around her home.

So there you have it, folks. White supremacy is the root cause of the recent fires in Hawaii.