Forget Texas, Don't Mess with ISRAEL!
A Guest Post by Gov. Greg "Hotwheels" Abbot with a message for all you antisemitic fellers: *real* Texans wear Yarmulkes under their cowboy hats!
Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t often publish guest posts, but sometimes the situation calls for it. Like when Myrna Minkhoff wrote a letter urgently raising awareness about the plight of female influencers who are traumatized by men staring at their boobs whenever they post pictures of them online. When there are worthy causes like that, I want to let people know, I am an ally!
Well, here’s another important cause I feel passionate about: stopping city governments in the great state of Texas from passing antisemitic resolutions. To quote the great 21st-Century ecologist, Greta Thunberg, “How dare you?!”
I was absolutely thrilled when Texas Governor Greg “Hotwheels” Abbot called me this afternoon and asked if I would allow him to use this blog to share an urgent message condemning antisemitism. “Absolutely,” I said. “Anything I can do for our greatest ally, Governor ‘Hotwheels.’” (I am also showing my solidarity with the black — sorry, Black — community of Texas by adopting Jasmine Crockett’s affectionate nickname for their favorite governor.)
Here’s something I’ve shared before on my podcast, but which many of you may not know: I myself am half Jewish — I’m Jewish from the waist down. (Don’t worry, I’ll be here all night, folks!) In his letter to the Philippians, the Apostle Paul describes himself as a “Hebrew of Hebrews” because he was “circumcised on the eighth day.” Well, my Moyle was more zealous than Paul’s. Eight times more zealous, to be precise. St. Paul was circumcised on the eighth day? I was circumcised on day one! So yeah, when it comes to righteousness under the Law, I think I got more to boast about than the Apostle Paul. Shalom, muthafucka!
Being a Mischling means that I am a real committed advocate for the Jews — and not just the Jews for Jesus (who are legitimately good people in my experience), but even the Jews against Jesus. As Gov. Abbott likes to say, “America is based on Judeo-Christian values, and you can’t have Judeo-Christian values without Jews, and you can’t have Jews without Israel, and you can’t have Israel without letting them control our government, and you can’t let them control our government without a wild party on Epstein’s island every now and again!”
So without further ado, ladies and gentlemen of Substack, I present to you the Honorable Governor of the Republic of Texas, Gregory Q. “Hotwheels” Abbot …
**************************************************
State of Texas
Office of the Governor
29 April 2025
Dear Substack Readers, American Patriots, and Fellow Texans,
Greetings from Austin! May the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jeffrey Epstein bless you all!
On behalf of Cecilia and my entire family, let me just say I owe a great debt to the Jewish people and to the entire State of Israel for their service in protecting me from a vicious globalist conspiracy to blackmail me with totally false, AI-generated photographs that didn’t even look like me or any of the children I have ever had any dealings with, ever. This was an evil plot to slander me as your governor, and to besmirch the honor of every G-d fearing Texan from the panhandle to Corpus Christie, and I just want to give credit to our friend and greatest ally, Israel, for handling it for me and for all of us. So to our friends and allies in Israel and especially the Mossad agents who worked with me on this matter, thank you!
And I also want to say, this is the kind of friend and ally Israel is. They looked out for my family and me in our hour of need. As the saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed, and a friend indeed is someone you need to pass laws to stop anyone from criticizing or boycotting.
Now it’s my turn to go to bat for my friend and our greatest ally: Israel. And I don’t care if Nolan Ryan himself throws a fastball at me, I’m gonna hit a home run whenever I step up to the plate for Israel.
Let me tell you antisemitic fellers something: antisemitism has no place in Texas. Not even in the garbage dump. In Texas, even our trash is too good to be associated with antisemitism.
Let me tell you something else: I’m wearing a yarmulke under my cowboy hat, just like every real Texas cowboy or cowgirl!
Hate has no home here in Texas, unless it’s hatred of antisemitism. Or racism. If you hate those things, G-d bless you! If you want someone to hate, hate an antisemite or a racist!
That’s why I understand Texans like Karmelo Anthony hating racists like Austin Metcalf. That Austin Metcalf was a bully. He told Karmelo Anthony to move up outta his seat, like Karmelo was Rosa Parks and this was 1955 or something. Look, just because you’re trespassing in another team’s tent at a track meet you’re not even supposed to be at, that doesn’t mean someone can just order you around like they’re your massa or something. Heck, I reckon that if someone as racist and antisemitic as Austin Metcalf told me to get up outta my seat, them would be fighting words, and we’d come to blows. Or I might even whip out my boot knife and stab him in the ass. Because hate has no home here, unless it’s hatred of antisemites and racists. So I applaud that fine young man, Karmelo Anthony, for standing his ground and giving that racist antisemite a good old-fashioned Texas filleting! G-d bless him! And G-d has blessed him! I understand this fine young man is sitting at home right now, watching his money pile up to the tune of half a million dollars! Shoot dang! See folks, when the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Harvey Weinstein says he’ll bless those who bless Israel, this is the kind of blessing he’s talking about!
Listen up, all you racists and antisemites! Israel is our greatest ally. If you oppose our greatest ally, that means you are an enemy. An enemy of the State. And not just any state. An enemy of the Great State of Texas. So get ready to get a big Texas longhorn shoved right up your ass. Sic semper antisemitis!
I don’t get to do much standing these days, but there is one thing I will always stand with, no matter how paralyzed I am, and that’s Israel. Always have, always will.
So when a town like San Marcos decides to resolve not to stand with Israel in their struggle to remove the Palestinians from the land the Lord (as in, Lord Rothschild) gave to the Jews, I have to stand up and say to their mayor and city council: How dare you?!!
Below is a copy of the letter I sent to those dirty antisemites and racists, letting them know, Don’t mess with Texas — I mean, Israel!
If you want to follow the brave example of Texas patriots like Karmelo Anthony and stand up against racism and antisemitism (and maybe even give it a good stabbing while you’re at it), then I want you to contact the antisemites and racists in the mayor’s office and on the city council of San Marcos and let them know that you stand with our friend and greatest ally, Israel.
Look folks, if I can stand with Israel, so can you. It’s the least we can do.
B'ezrat HaShem/Israel über alles,
/s/ Gregory Q “Hotwheels” Abbott, Governor of the Republic of Texas /s/
Great post, Daniel. Christian Zionism is a disease.
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.